Sandra Heska King

daring to open doors

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In Which I’m Tired and Discouraged

March 13, 2012 By Sandra Heska King

“Nama! I wanna ge’ up!”

I sigh and roll over. It’s not 4 a.m. like it was yesterday, but it’s still dark. And there will be no quiet time again this morning.

I feel around on the bed for my robe, swing legs over side, and scuff the floor until my toes find slippers.

I step across the hall, and her smile spills sunshine.

“Nama!” She raises her arms.

I lift her out of bed and hold her hand as she walk-scoots down 14 steps. “Dark,” she says.

“Yes, it is.” I nod weary. My spirit’s been dark the last couple of days. Overwhelmed and discouraged.

Pulled apart, dis-membered and very, very tired.

Spent in the giving and the giving up.

And when is it my turn? Who will give for me?

It happens so fast.

Maybe it was the ashes scene in that movie that broke me to tears, and I remember a blue urn.

And the ashes fall heavy, and my breath comes heavy, and I think of time that sifts like dust.

Maybe it was the time change.

Maybe it’s just because the visitors knocked, and I invited them in for tea.

My spirit’s like a balloon, sometimes full and light and on top of everything–and other times deflated and defeated, flat like the pancakes Grace has requested for breakfast.

My shoulders sag when I flip the kitchen light. I’d forgotten that I was so tired last night I couldn’t touch one more dish.

The scent of garlic and tomato greets me. Dried goulash bits stick to white plates. A lone slice of garlic toast cradles in blue bowl. There’s a glass of leftover milk and one of orange juice. And a bowl of yesterday morning’s uneaten barley cereal.

And my mug–the one that reminds me His compassions never fail. That His mercies are new every morning. It holds cold brown.

I glance out the window and see a new day dawning all wrapped in pink and gold mercies.

Lillee’s playing with the cats in the living room.

I must go outside for a moment to smell and breathe Jesus.

The air dances to the music of chirps and trills. I hear a duck quack somewhere over by Lake Abby, and a couple of geese honk overhead. A train whistle sounds in the distance. Traffic, lights on, travels up and down the highway. If I close my eyes, it sounds like a waterfall or rushing river.

Rushing.

Rushing.

Always rushing.

A robin stares at me not eight feet away, orange breast barely visible beyond my feet. I turn my camera ever so slowly, but it flies to the tree to greet the sun.

My heart flies with it, and I give it all up again.

And I remember that He gave it all up.

He gave it all.

The ashes swirl upward, light into the light.

I feel my spirit re-inflate as the bird puffs its chest and breaks out in song.

I raise my arms, and my spirit climbs on top of the mess within.

And His mercies, they’re new again.

And again.

 


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Filed Under: stories and reflections

Comments

  1. Lyla Lindquist says

    March 14, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I’d like to stop by and take care of those dishes for you.

    But I can’t. Perhaps I’ll go outside and breathe Jesus, and imagine I’m breathing along side you.

    Love to you, Sandy.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:05 pm

      I’d love to breathe with you, my friend. Love coming right back to you.

  2. Elizabeth says

    March 14, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Lovely, so lovely. Visiting you from Ann’s.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:05 pm

      Welcome, Elizabeth. Thank you.

  3. Carol J. Garvin says

    March 14, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I’ve known those days… bare feet contacting chill floors, the chill spreading up into my soul and making every nerve whimper, wanting desperately to return to the oblivion of bed and the cosy quilt. But once I’ve given the day a chance — given God a chance — to get my circulation going, slivers of light overtake the inner darkness and possibilities begin to brighten. God is good. I’m sure he understands that inflated and deflated balloon image, and he’s the one who gently puffs fresh air into us as we need it.

    Wishing you an uplifted day of blessings, Sandy.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:09 pm

      The weather pushing 80 today, the periwinkle in bloom, windows open now at 9 with all the summer night sounds . . . life is much better. And I think having left the dishes and went to sleep might have helped, too, once I actually got moving. 🙂

  4. Jennifer says

    March 14, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    His mercies are new. Always. Such a wonderful reminder!

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm

      Hi Jennifer. Indeed. And I need to remind myself daily.

  5. ~Brenda says

    March 14, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Amen. His mercies are new every morning. Every afternoon. Every day. Ever second.

    Beautifully put.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm

      So good to see you, friend! Every nanosecond. Yes.

  6. diana says

    March 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    OH, sweetie pie – do I ever get this. So glad you stepped outside, camera in hand, heart open to the Mystery. I’m with Lyla – wish I could do your dishes for you. Since I began my job in SB, Dick has always done the dishes – and man, what a difference. And I learned to just let him do them – his way, not my way – and live with the gracious goodness of that gift.

    And we all need time when others do for us – especially when 99% of what we do is for others. Take care of yourself in the midst of the messes, Sandy. And ask for help. Really. Truly. Love to you.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:17 pm

      My husband often does the dishes, even after a long day and half the evening at the office. He cleaned up the leftovers last night when I collapsed on the sofa under a blankie. It’s 9:15, and he’s still not home. But the kitchen is clean. 🙂 Love to you, Diana. I hope I’ll see you this fall!

      • diana says

        March 14, 2012 at 10:10 pm

        I hope to be there – but would sure love to see a calendar about when it’s happening!

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 10:14 pm

      September 27-30.

      http://www.laitylodge.org/writers-retreat/

      • diana says

        March 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm

        Guess I need to check the schedule again. Guess they didn”t add the extra day. huh?

  7. Patricia @ Pollywog Creek says

    March 14, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    You’ve written so well what we all have known at one time or another – when the mess and doing just get to be too much at times, Sandra – and how those mercies are indeed new every morning. xox

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:23 pm

      And if He can drip those mercies on me, I need to drip them on others. He gives the grace. xoxo

  8. Beth says

    March 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    I will pray that you continue to feel God inflating your spirit. Thanks so much for your vulnerability, Sandra.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:25 pm

      Thank you, Beth. I do sense that just from the gift of your words.

  9. Shelly Miller says

    March 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    You bring us in to the dishes and the tired so well Sandy. I can relate in so many ways. For one, I grab my camera, capture the beauty and perspective comes like a waterfall. Wish I could bring you dinner and make you laugh over a cup of tea!

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:26 pm

      Or let’s just go out somewhere. Maybe just get Subway and head for the woods with our cameras. 😀

  10. Deidra says

    March 14, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    Thank you. Thank you for your heart. I want to do the dishes with you. Not just to get them done, but the way it happens when we wash and dry together, while we laugh and talk and completely forget we’re even doing dishes.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:27 pm

      The talking, the laughing, the whistling together while we work. I’m for that!

  11. Kristy says

    March 14, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    Beautiful post… I have felt so heavy lately, overwhelmed by so many circumstances in my life….perhaps I need to just step outside and breathe…Jesus.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm

      Oh Kristy. Breathe Him in. Breathe deep. Love to you.

  12. Linda says

    March 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    I’m with Deidra, Diana and Lyla – wishing we could all do the dishes together, scoop up that little one and leave you alone in the quiet for just a bit. It is these seasons that make us so aware of our weakness and it is these seasons when grace and mercy come strong.
    Praying for you Sandy – for refreshing in the midst of all the stuff.

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:41 pm

      Disco dish divas! You don’t think I could leave you, do I. Just being with you all again would be so refreshing. And you’re right. Without the hard seasons, we’d never realize our need.

  13. Megan Willome says

    March 14, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    I can’t tell you how much I love your dirty dishes!

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:18 pm

      HA!

  14. Amy @ themessymiddle says

    March 14, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    Sometimes I long for tasks that are done-done! Dishes are done, but only until I make another cup of tea or come up to a meal. Laundry is done … but only for a time. I suppose that is part of the tnesion we are to live with. Being done, but not 🙂 Amy

    • Sandra says

      March 14, 2012 at 9:41 pm

      Done. But not. Not until the day we are really done! What a day that will be.

  15. Patricia says

    March 15, 2012 at 12:05 am

    and so here at midnight, I finally find the quiet… and this is just what I needed. =) So good to know we are not alone, no matter what our messes look like.

    • Sandra says

      March 16, 2012 at 11:28 am

      And how comforting to know we have friends who love us in and through those messes. 🙂

  16. Dea Moore says

    March 15, 2012 at 9:33 am

    My week has been messy too. I would have to take pictures of the laundry room for a reflection of what has been happening on the inside of me. It’s a crazy mess of clean and dirty in there—darks, and “hang to dry” everywhere.

    My heart has felt hung out to dry. I haven’t written one word this week—not one until now. I am headed to the porch to find that God-air. I think there are some things I need to see and hear out there.

    thanks for being real

    • Sandra says

      March 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

      I’m working on the laundry room, too. You’d think with just the two of us, but I have a ton of grandgirl clothes, too.

      Praying He saturates your heart today, Dea. I always find things to see and hear in the God-air. Hugs to you, friend.

  17. wolfsrosebud says

    March 15, 2012 at 10:43 am

    amazing how God’s Creation can speak to us… even mama needs a time out

    • Sandra says

      March 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

      And gramma. 🙂

  18. Nancy says

    March 15, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    Well, I’d been meaning to come over here and read this anyway. Let’s see if the blog gremlins will let me say anything. (And, really, I don’t think there’s a woman in blog world who doesn’t see herself in your post and need the reminder to go outside and breathe Jesus)

    Okay, here goes…

    • Sandra says

      March 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

      It works for you! Yay. I’m having trouble getting my blog to link to my comments on other WP blogs now, though.

      Breathing…

  19. Monica Sharman says

    March 16, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Sandy, I have am SO there. The sink full of dirty dishes in the morning really gets to me, too. Yes, and all that giving and giving…

    And the bird—yes, God has used a bird for my times like this, too (but in my case, it was a red-tailed hawk).

    Sending love, and praying.

    • Sandra says

      March 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

      There’s just something about feathers and wings and flying above it all. Yes?

  20. Sheila Seiler Lagrand says

    March 18, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    You’ve written an anthem.

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