Sandra Heska King

daring to open doors

  • Home
  • About
  • DISCLOSURES
    • Amazon Affiliate
    • Book Reviews
  • Published
  • Contact
  • Blog
    • Commit Poetry
    • Dared

When Loss is Real–or Not

November 12, 2012 By Sandra Heska King

I’m better this morning.

Last night I hid in the bathroom for a few moments where I flushed the toilet (so the husband and the grandgirl wouldn’t ask what was going on with me.) I blew my nose, popped my contacts, rubbed my eyes hard, and ran cold water over my face.

I didn’t want to explain why I was overwhelmed over something on my computer other than this video.

Maybe it’s because I’ll leave for Haiti in less than four weeks. (I might even get to meet Samedy. I hope not. I hope he’s in Nashville by then. Please pray.)

Maybe it’s because I’m watching a fund fueled in record time–a fund that will build a school for hope–by Christmas.

Or that I’m wearing a necklace purchased because of a 10-year-old’s dream to build a playground–and seeing others wearing them, too.

Or maybe it’s just because my emotions are riding the rim since we’re only two weeks away from the first anniversary of my mom’s death. As I remember those hospice house days (and nights) and how my wardrobe these days is pretty much the same. As I remember early-morning rummaging in the back of my car or in my suitcase or in the room’s wardrobe for the clothes I wear right now–to carry down the hall to the family shower.

When I went to bed Saturday night, I felt so unsettled.

So. Unstilled.

I didn’t know why, but it was after I read this and then this (and the comments.)

And when I woke up, I realized I’d settled into fear.

Proud of friends brave enough to make some changes, to step back or step away or step into.

But afraid. Of loss. Of perceived loss.

Of change. And changes I may need to make, too.

I was grieving.

Because the relationships here in this space, they’re so real. And so deep. There’s something about these heart-to-heart and spirit-to-spirit connections.

They’re God ties for such a time as this, and as Lyla reminded me when we messaged last night, they’re not bound to a comment box.

And really, as we follow deeper into Him and His individual call on each of us, aren’t we ultimately bound closer in Him?

Don’t we gain more than we lose?

And these connections, if He made them, since He made them, doesn’t He alone have the power to break them or make them stronger?

I know God’s up to something big.

And sometimes He needs to break things to build them better.

So I’m better this morning.

Thanks, Lyla.

Share this:

  • Email
  • Print
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest

Filed Under: haiti, stories and reflections

Comments

  1. Jennifer@GDWJ says

    November 12, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Beautiful. This and YOU. Know that I’m praying for you as you continue to prepare your heart for this life-changing trip. Sending love.

    • Sandra says

      November 12, 2012 at 2:11 pm

      Receiving your love and double back atcha.

  2. HisFireFly says

    November 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    I know that He knows what He’s doing…

    that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t stop beating every now and then

    • Sandra says

      November 12, 2012 at 2:10 pm

      🙂 I get that, Karin. I echo that.

  3. Lyla Lindquist says

    November 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Love you, Sandy. Much to gain in these friendships. Much already gained.

    🙂

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

      I still can’t quite get a handle on how that happens. It’s all God, of course. And I thank Him on every remembrance of you. And after a month of writing about aging, I shouldn’t rush time–but I can’t wait now until April! 🙂

  4. L.L. Barkat says

    November 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Aw. 🙂

    Grief is good. It tells us to pay attention. We might not know to what. And the good news is we can take our time.

    Love journeying with you, Sandy. Still here. The ties run deeper than a single cyberaddress. Of that I’m pretty sure.

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

      To pay attention. That’s something I’m learning. I think it’ll take the rest of my life.

      So grateful for you, Laura. I may have to have some culture in a spoon today in your honor.

      xoxo

  5. r.elliott says

    November 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    I love this…so true…sometimes it takes a bit of shaking up…so we can shake off those things that keep us from fully embracing HIm…and that story…my daughter was a cardiac nurse at vanderbilt children’s for years…such a sweet …sweet story …blessings as you prepare for Haiti …and I look forward to getting to know you better through the book club.

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

      Sometimes that shaking up can leave us a bit nauseous. 😉

      How cool is that–that your daughter worked at Vanderbilt. I love the twists and turns and all the little connections we discover. Looking forward to getting to know you better, too. 🙂

  6. Diana Trautwein says

    November 12, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    I, too, have an undercurrent of sadness about these losses and changes. But growing stronger is a sense of excitement about discovering what’s around the next corner for these friends, for you, for me. This is a tough time for you, Sandy – just own that part and own it big. It just is. Feel what there is to be felt. Live into it and then walk right through it to what comes next. Lots of love to you.

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 10:38 am

      So now I have a vision of a river flowing in one direction, but these little side streams that bend around and travel on their own a bit on their own adventure only to come back around and join back up with the main river. Maybe that’s how it is with us on this journey.

      If I lived near you, I think I’d be in your office every day. 😉

  7. Patricia Spreng says

    November 12, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    Sending a hug to warm your heart and so very thankful we have all met… how many cyber friends can even say that? But for the support and safe haven of THC… I doubt I would have ever travelled there. God prepared the way for all of us to meet and he will remain the faithful center of all these friendships even through change. Can’t wait to hear of your journey in Haiti and of how our great God walks with you every step of the way. Be still… you are so loved, Sandy. = ) Hugs.

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

      I know! And if it weren’t for THC and Texas, you and I might not have ever discovered how close we really are. He is the faithful Center. Yes.

  8. Patricia Spreng says

    November 12, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    p.s. even if we were never to see each other again, we could all agree to meet up by the pencil sharpener in heaven. 😉

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 10:45 am

      LOL. The pencil sharpener, the coffee pot, the water cooler. And, oh yes, the river!

  9. Dea Moore says

    November 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Sandy, I jumped into your life as your wore those tumbled clothes from the suitcase in your car. And though your mother stepped over into eternity, you brought her and your love for her to life. You were real and raw. So I kept praying for you, for her, and came back here again and again.

    Then I put your feed on my iGoogle homepage and I have continue to peak in on your life. You have inspired me and challenged me.

    I don’t know if we will meet on this side of heaven but I am thankful to have been able to read the “letter” of your life here. Haiti will change you. There.is.no.doubt.about.it.

    God has had me shut down my blog and if I were brave enough to say I am a “writer,” I would tell you that I have writer’s block. These sentences in this comment box are about the best I can do in the writing department though I try everyday to put something on paper.

    Change is in the wind for me…I cried yesterday as my back bowed down over a exercise ball. Though I have no answers, I know God is getting me to the place where he can use me. Writing or not, I can accept that, or at least I am trying to.

    Extra prayers today. I am glad you have a Lyla in your life. I need one of “those.”

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

      Oh, Dea. This just made me all emotional again. And your words here, you’ve strung them together beautifully. This writing journey, it does seem to be one of two steps forward and one back–and sometimes three back.

      I’m praying for you as you let go and fall into Him. We all have seasons when we need to do that. If we don’t, He’ll drag us out. He had to do that to me several years ago because I wasn’t brave enough to do it on my own. Sometimes it’s hard to accept those changes.

      I’m so glad you found your way to this space, Dea. Grateful for you and your encouragement. Keep writing, friend.. Maybe spill those daily morning pages as Julia Cameron suggests. No thinking… just pour. xoxo

  10. Carol J. Garvin says

    November 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    The shadows in our days emphasize the highlights. I think maybe your life is being enhanced in a God way.

    I envy you the friend connections you’ve made as you’ve walked through life’s challenging places, Sandy. The support, the sustenance, that kind of friendship provides is precious.

    Blessings to you.

    • Sandra says

      November 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

      “The shadows in our days emphasize the highlights.” Oh, Carol. I love that. You are always so good at seeing and drawing parallels. And you’re one of those connections, Carol. Always ready with words of encouragement and wisdom. I treasure your friendship. I don’t ever remember any more how we connected… I’m thinking that’s an okay thing.

  11. Megan Willome says

    November 14, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Lyla’s good in time of need, isn’t she?

    The thing no one tells you about grief is that it changes you. And then, your life changes. Everything gets unstilled, and it’s usually an un-stilling that’s needed to happen, but only death can bring that kind of life.

    That’s what my church change was about. I suspect your Haiti trip may be involved in a similar upheaval of your life.

    love you!

    • Sandra says

      December 2, 2012 at 11:37 pm

      Only death can bring that kind of life…

      Love you more!

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Flickr
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Meet Sandra

I’m Sandra, a camera-toting, recovering doer who’s learning to be. still. Read more…

Get updates from the stillness by email

Your personal information is safe and will never be shared.

Archives

Categories

Instagram Inspiration

sandraheskaking

A tale of two iguanas... I did not see the iguana A tale of two iguanas... I did not see the iguana in the background until I downloaded the photos. That, I believe, is the one that got caught in one of the openings in the neighbor's chain link fence. We tried in several (safe) ways to dislodge it without luck and could think of no other option but to leave it. Somehow it apparently dislodged itself. We also believe this is the pair that was getting into another neighbor's garden. We haven't seen either one since the last cold snap, so we are wondering if they survived. 
🌱
Thinking some may have tumbled from their perches last night. Pretty sure it will be raining iguanas tonight since we are under a frost advisory. It's cold. And windy.
Just sing... sing a song... Singing our way into Just sing... sing a song... 

Singing our way into the weekend.
"We don't just see. We learn to see." ~ Russ Ramse "We don't just see. We learn to see." ~ Russ Ramsey in Rembrandt is in the Wind
Now you see me... now you don't. Now you see me... now you don't.
"I started looking and listening. I realized that "I started looking and listening. I realized that work, like life, is shot through with poetry. It was everywhere. I was so taken with what I discovered that I wrote a book about it." @gyoung9751 
🌱
Whether you work in an office, a retail store, a restaurant, or at home... Whether you work on roads or on power lines, or on high buildings...Whether you collect trash or preach sermons, or care for your kiddos. Whether you do art, or weave words, or take photos of a common gallinule AKA moorhen AKA swamp chicken--it's all shot through with poetry.
🌱
So pay attention. Find a poem.
🌱
Read more at https://www.tweetspeakpoetry.com/2023/01/10/its-poetry-at-work-day-2023/
Rising… Rising…
Everyone needs a little balance in life. And maybe Everyone needs a little balance in life. And maybe a beauty routine. And breakfast. Especially breakfast. I wonder if it consists of a few fire ants. I hope so. (Well, not mine. I'm having oatmeal with chia seeds. What are you having this morning?)
🌱
P.S. Happy Friday!
"Though your destination is not yet clear You can "Though your destination is not yet clear You can trust the promise of this opening; Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning That is at one with your life's desire." ~John O'Donohue 
🌿
A blessing for a new beginning in a new year. I'm sure he wrote it especially for me. At least I'm claiming it. Maybe it will speak to you, too.
🌿
Also, I'd really like this skirt --> 
🌿
Read the whole poem--> -->
🌿
Well, bummer... The whole page didn't print. Read it in the comments below.
"What precocity, a bird half the size Of an Anjou "What precocity, a bird half the size
Of an Anjou pear." ~ Stephen Kuusisto in "The Mockingbird on Central" (Find it in The Poets Guide to the Birds edited by Judith Kitchen and Ted Kooser)
🌱
"The morning pages are the primary tool of creative recovery." ~ Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way. 
🌱
I've been in a long creative drought, so I started morning pages--again. This time I've got a bit of an accountability group through @refineretreat's Refinery--which I finally also joined this year. I'll turn 74 this month. I'm not ready to grow old while I age--though everything does seem to take longer while time goes by faster.
🌱
#aweandwonder #tsaweandwonder
Tonight’s walk in the neighborhood. I’m still Tonight’s walk in the neighborhood. I’m still kinda amazed that out of all the places we could have ended up after moving from a place I said I’d never move from), here we are—planted right next to the northern Everglades. Six-plus years, and I still shake my head in wonder.
"So fancy is the world..." ~ Mary Oliver in "This "So fancy is the world..." ~ Mary Oliver in "This World." #aweandwonder #tsaweandwonder
Look, Mom! I can walk on water! #aweandwonder #tsa Look, Mom! I can walk on water! #aweandwonder #tsaweandwonder
Gazing into 2023 like… Let’s take it step by Gazing into 2023 like… 
Let’s take it step by step with hope and courage. Also I hope to be posting again more often.
🎉
Happy New Year!
The morning before the last morning of 2022. 🌴 The morning before the last morning of 2022. 
🌴
71 degrees. Heading to 83. I can live with that.
From the top of Brasstown Bald—the highest point From the top of Brasstown Bald—the highest point in Georgia at 4784 feet.
Winding roads… Winding roads…
Tonight's moon. It's kinda okay. Tonight's moon. It's kinda okay.
Don’t mind me. Just storking by. Don’t mind me. Just storking by.
I’ve gotten several messages asking if things we I’ve gotten several messages asking if things were okay. Yes. I’ve recovered after 3 weeks in Covid jail. Also, I’ve been a bit scarce on social cuz we’ve been finishing up house renovations, and there is SO much that now needs to be cleaned and stuff put away. Also, we’ve had the second oldest grand with us for two weeks. I “should have” at least shared some stories about our adventures, but we’ve relished the time and kept busy. One can’t leave South Florida without a gator encounter, though, right? Tomorrow the two of us fly back to Michigan, and then I will spend a week with my sister where I expect I will be put to work in the chicken house and the gardens and become a glad(iola) roadside proprietor for a day at the Four Star in while she and my BIL attend a family reunion. I’ll also get to see my dad in the nursing home and spend a couple nights with my daughter. D will hold down the fort here. Then maybe by the first of next month, I’ll be able to finish putting things in order, breathe, find some writing space and get back to normal. Whatever that is.
I tossed and turned all night. And then the storm I tossed and turned all night. And then the storm started. I finally got up about 5ish and sat outside to watch. Until a couple mosquitoes found me. Also, the jasmine hadn’t gone to bed yet and smelled heavenly.
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Get the Mug

Embrace the life you have t s poetry mug

Privacy Policy

Full privacy policy is available HERE.

I Read Light

TSP-Red button

bibledude-net



Sponsor a Child

Join the Compassion Blogger Network

[footer_backtotop]

Copyright © 2023 Sandra Heska King · Site by The Willingham Enterprise, LLC on the Genesis Framework by StudioPress · Log in