I never expected to have children.
I never dreamed of a family. I didn’t play love and marriage or stuff my shirt with pillows.
I did dream of caring for others. Maybe in far countries.
I even used to hope I’d find an injured animal so I could take care of it.
But I never dreamed of or expected to have children to care for.
So when my now-husband said he did not think the world was a place to birth children, but that adoption might be an option someday, I was good with that.
I didn’t expect to have children.
But the dream changed. And when it did, I didn’t expect to not be able to expect. I didn’t expect the pain of trying to expect. I didn’t expect the pain of failure. I didn’t expect the peace of surrender.
I didn’t expect the phone calls.
I never expected the sheer joy of burying my nose in a Baby Magic bundle, of the first snow, or the first hands-off bike pedaling, of the first day of school or of lawn chairs on a rain-soaked soccer field or cheering from a gym bleacher or improvised carnivals in the driveway or rabbit show blue ribbons or being lulled to sleep by the breathing of three others and a dog in a 13-foot camper.
And I didn’t expect the gut-wrenching sobs or the tear-drenched pillows or prayer-draped emergency room stretchers or the anxiety relieved only by a paper lunch sack. Of nights and days of unknowing, of stark fear.
I didn’t expect how incredibly hard it would be to navigate an unfamiliar gene pool.
I didn’t expect to have preadolescent emotion “normally” directed to a mom hurled at me, the grandma.
I didn’t expect to survive let alone sprout “passionate patience.”
I didn’t expect to expect a miracle at every turn, a mystery in every moment. To realize that wherever my foot falls or tear drops or head lays is holy and sacred because of His pervading presence.
I didn’t expect to learn to expect the unexpected.
And that it was all good because He is the long-expected One. Because He is the King of the unexpected and He can be expected to make it all good.
Joining Lisa-Jo today on the word prompt, expectation.
And I’m pretty sure I went over five minutes, without second-guessing or backtracking or editing or deleting.
I expect I’ll wish I did.
And standing with Kimberly on holy ground.
Carol J. Garvin says
Great Friday thoughts, Sandra. I used to joke about learning to expect the unexpected, but life is so much simpler when we place it all in God’s hands and then accept what each day has for us. It reinforces our faith that he has only good in his plans for us. It’s what trust is all about, isn’t it?
Simplicity in the complexity. Or is that chaos? 😉
Trusting in HIs plan and HIs ultimate good.
Such a great post! I never thought I’d have kids either. And you worded it so well how unexpectedly passionate I feel about them.
Came from 5 Minute Fridays!
Thanks so much, Janice.
Shelly Miller says
Me either Sandy, didn’t expect any of it. And we are better for it all aren’t we? Love you so.
Yes we are. I think I’d be a pretty shallow person. Love you way so.
Louise G says
This is beautiful sandra! Wow — beautiful.
Thank you, dear Lousie.
Megan Willome says
This is profound. And painful. It will help others who have walked in your shoes.
I hope so, Megan.
Oh my goodness, Sandy! This is amazing. Just plain amazing. Thank you, thank you. Probably the very best use of the word expect I’ve ever seen anywhere. Wow.
Wow! Thanks, my friend.
I love this! Thank you for linking with me. Expecting the unexpected is a very holy place to be.
And then there’s accepting the unexpected. That’s a whole ‘nother place, right?