The night after Christmas.
The night after Operation Roaster Turkey Fail.
The night of Operation Oven Turkey Success.
The family gathers here–eight of us, including Grace and Lillee.
We eat (the first family meal I’ve cooked in months) and play Scattergories (I’m a loser), and the kids wrestle in the living room like they used to, and it shreds my nerves way more than it used to.
And the thought knocks again, and I introduce it. “You know, Grandma was 82. Only 20 years older than I am now. That’s less time than you kids have been alive.”
Jeremy furrows his dark bushy brows. “What’s that mean?”
“It means,” says Abby, “that in 20 years, less time than you and I have been alive, Mom will be Grandma’s age. Our parents were old when we were born.”
“But you’re healthier than Grandma was,” Jeremy says. “You take better care of yourself. And you don’t smoke.”
“What happened to Grandma had absolutely nothing to do with her state of health or her smoking. She fell. And she died three months later. That brain tumor came out of nowhere. And. It. Was. Ruthless.”
Jeremy is 23 now.
Abby will be 27 in January.
A breath of time.
They don’t realize that in another 20 years, they’ll be “old.” In their 40s.
Older than I was when we adopted them as babies.
(Well, I had just turned 40 when Jeremy arrived.)
Lillee will be in college, and Grace–well, she’ll be pushing 30 and could be practicing medicine.
Or not.
Something could come from nowhere at any time.
So I’ve been thinking about my life and about my legacy.
Again.
And how I need expanses of time to think and create and rest and make memories.
And how the chaos around me just sweeps me up and sucks me in.
Suffocates me.
Stagnates me.
Exhausts me.
Chaos from the outside.
People.
Stuff.
And creates chaos on the inside.
I’m a saver of the sentimental and a collector of the cute.
In spite of several declutter rampages, I live in a mess.
And my house still balloons with kid stuff.
I have thousands of photos that should be scanned and organized.
Or tossed.
So I’ve been thinking about my one word resolution for 2012.
Last year I chose three: Deep. See. Dive.
And they carried me well.
But I need something more practical this year.
The word ruthless came to mind.
But that sounds dangerous.
So I finally decided on order.
It’s even one of the “simple and deliberate” actions that my dear friend, Tami, over at @stickyJesus suggests to jumpstart 2012. Well, really, she suggested “organize.”
Close enough.
Cleaning up and clearing out.
Purging and pruning.
To make more room in my heart manger for Him.
And more room in my life to pursue the important.
And to create a sense of serenity to cope with what I have no control over.
Because He’s a God of order.
And beauty.
Yes, this next year will be one of pruning and purging.
Order.
That’s my word.
And I’m sticking to it.
I’m so organized that I wrote this to link with Faith Barista Bonnie’s Thursday Jam. Only that link won’t open until next Thursday, January 6. Oops.
Priceless.
You might enjoy “Time Management for Unmanageable People” — it might even be a fresh discovery for you. I have been helped by it, especially for those times that seem full of too many distractions, but I understand that people with your natural bent towards expansion and options REALLY love it.
I never heard of that book, Cassandra. It looks wonderful. Thanks for the suggestion.
In the aftermath… as the dust settled, I found it so odd that my family members’ minds and hearts were not permeated with thoughts of my mom like mine were. In fact, they barely seemed affected at all and the regular family actitivities seemed muffled somehow… grating on my already frayed nerves. I felt like I was not being the mom I wanted to be, especially compared to my mom. I can laugh now, how I was always surprised that they were hungry again when it seemed that I had just fed them. =) Give yourself plenty of grace and space as you restore the order, remembering that it took time to get that way. Time is on your side Sandy and so am I.
p.s. maybe soon, it could be the right time for our panera date? =) I feel a hug coming on. <3
The thing is–the disorder was there before all this. Before vacation. Before LL. Before ACFW. Before the wedding. Before Abby’s surgery. You’re right. It’ll take awhile to restore order–if I cana remember what that is. 😉
I just re-read this. And my reference to the possibility of “ruthless” as a word? I did not even realize I’d used that earlier. It must mean something. 🙂
And Panera? Yes, M’am. I’d say January would be good. 🙂
Understanding the need for order … and peace. Prayers continue as your heart heals.
Oh, man, do I GET THIS. Sigh. You know I blogged earlier in 2011 about clearing out my office at church and then ordering my much smaller office at home. Well. Hmmm. That lasted about….two weeks. It’s piled high again and there are piles all over my bedroom, too. And I’ve already noted elsewhere that I have literal bins of photos needing to be organized and scanned. So I will join you in attempting to bring order in 2012.
And I like your word, but I do think ‘ruthless’ is a good one, too. But please do retain some ‘ruth’ for yourself, sweet Sandy. It means ‘mercy,’ and you need a good dose of it. I believe you when you say the disorder preceded your mom’s illness and death. BUT. You need to be merciful to YOU – the grieving needs space to breathe. Take care.
Thanks so much for sharing your one word! Sounds like it is going to be a good year 😉
Yep, order. In fact, priorities. That is mine for the new year. A better list of priorities, starting with God and working down. Busyness, just for the sake of it, is the last on the list, and may just be purged. I love your photos and your thoughts, Sandy. Yep, order. Love it.
I love your choice of “order.” I am a big fan of order, although you might not could tell at the moment if you look at my house. 🙂 Christmas tree still up; dishes in the sink; etc. But my inner being craves order and I know God provides it there. I just need to keep working on letting it flow to my outer world.
Sandra,
Your word, ORDER, is sort of a sub-category of my word, CHALLENGE. Order and organization is going to be extremely important to me in the season I am entering and I am going to challenge my self every day instead of letting myself off the hook. Thanks for enhancing my One Word with yours!!
Is it possible we’ll journey together, side-by-side, again? One of my words? Carve. Which sounds a lot pruning, though not as spiritual. And like order.
For the same reasons, because we’ve amassed too mush stuff that gets in the weigh-way of all that God has for us.
Side by side. Yep. Carve —> create. Cut out, fashion, make room. Yep. We’re in this together. And I’m glad. (And don’t forget, you’re creating this year, too.) 😀