When Loss is Real–or Not
I’m better this morning.
Last night I hid in the bathroom for a few moments where I flushed the toilet (so the husband and the grandgirl wouldn’t ask what was going on with me.) I blew my nose, popped my contacts, rubbed my eyes hard, and ran cold water over my face.
I didn’t want to explain why I was overwhelmed over something on my computer other than this video.
Maybe it’s because I’ll leave for Haiti in less than four weeks. (I might even get to meet Samedy. I hope not. I hope he’s in Nashville by then. Please pray.)
Maybe it’s because I’m watching a fund fueled in record time–a fund that will build a school for hope–by Christmas.
Or maybe it’s just because my emotions are riding the rim since we’re only two weeks away from the first anniversary of my mom’s death. As I remember those hospice house days (and nights) and how my wardrobe these days is pretty much the same. As I remember early-morning rummaging in the back of my car or in my suitcase or in the room’s wardrobe for the clothes I wear right now–to carry down the hall to the family shower.
When I went to bed Saturday night, I felt so unsettled.
And when I woke up, I realized I’d settled into fear.
Proud of friends brave enough to make some changes, to step back or step away or step into.
But afraid. Of loss. Of perceived loss.
Of change. And changes I may need to make, too.
I was grieving.
Because the relationships here in this space, they’re so real. And so deep. There’s something about these heart-to-heart and spirit-to-spirit connections.
They’re God ties for such a time as this, and as Lyla reminded me when we messaged last night, they’re not bound to a comment box.
And really, as we follow deeper into Him and His individual call on each of us, aren’t we ultimately bound closer in Him?
Don’t we gain more than we lose?
And these connections, if He made them, since He made them, doesn’t He alone have the power to break them or make them stronger?
I know God’s up to something big.
And sometimes He needs to break things to build them better.
So I’m better this morning.