(the back of our house today)
I don’t remember how the Christmas dinner conversation turned to the topic of my housekeeping skills–or lately lack of. My daughter spooned a little more au jus on her prime rib, the first I ever prepared–and it was perfect, by the way.
“You know,” she said, “this house used to look amazing, and all my friends were jealous. Now… well, now it needs help. A lot of help. So… how long have you been stripping wallpaper in the bathroom, Mom?”
We all laughed.
“Ummm… years.”
Her words sealed the “one word” that had already found me.
If my mother-in-law had still been alive when we moved back to Michigan, she would have counseled us not to insisted we not under any circumstances redeem this now-150-plus-year-old farmhouse and bring it back into the family. They’d modernized the place in the 60’s when they moved it back from the road–put in a full basement, ripped out all the ornate moldings, and carpeted the hardwood floors. But Mom couldn’t wait to finally flee to a new modular home on the south farm next to Big Creek. Because this house was just too much work to keep up. They sold it. And then we bought it back.
We’ve done some things in the last 25 years–painted, added back the wrapped porch, replaced the roof (twice), replaced the carpeting (twice) and refinished the unoriginal wood floors in the bedrooms–but it’s old, and it’s tired, and so am I. The tub is rusted. The kitchen cupboards are disintegrating. The basement ceiling is stained from leaks and chipmunk tinkle. And I still can’t find my Christmas cards.
I’ve let so much go and so much build up because of lack of time and money–and procrastination.
And today I’m mad. At me.
(the back of our house in 1942 with my MIL and SIL)
There’s an afghan somewhere in my dad’s basement that I made for my mom when I was still in high school. I remember how much she loved when I’d get into an argument with my then boyfriend, because I let my mad ignite my crochet hook to warp speed.
This year I’m going to let my mad motivate me, to ignite me–in a still way, of course–to warp speed. There may be projects we can’t financially undertake yet and projects we don’t dare undertake for fear of what’s hiding under them. And full restoration is impossible. But I’m going to strip the wallpaper once and for all. I’m going to buy paint–and use it–if I have to eat beans all year. I’m going to clear out the rest of the clutter, find my Christmas cards, and make this house a HOME again. A place where I don’t have to close doors and warn against tours.
I know this verse is out of context, but it rhema’d itself into my heart this morning.
“My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.” ~ Isaiah 32:18 (NIV)
It might mean fewer words see the light this year, but I want my people–my family and friends–to find themselves in a peaceful dwelling place when they come through my door. I want them to find themselves in an undisturbed place of rest–in a secure and hospitable home, a place that can be opened to company at a moment’s notice without panic, a place where quiet grace is served.
And while I’m working on the outside, I’m going to be cleaning up my inside–to create an undisturbed place of rest within where God and I can share a cup of tea without the cobwebs–where I can serve up quiet grace to myself.
My one word for 2015–HOME.
Have you chosen or will you choose a word to give your year focus?
In the stillness,
Sandy
With many thanks to Traci for this graphic. Her inspirations are far from ordinary.
love this….and so understand. I keep procrastinating “home” too…sigh.
By now i usually have my word, but I’ve got nothin’ so far.
I’ll be anxious to hear what it will be, Sharon. There’s no rush. 🙂
I am not sure i have ever read that verse but I absolutely love it. And will write it down for my own ‘home and project’ list. Praying for and with you on this goal of yours.
I like your word.
Remembering, of course, the verse is out of context. But I love it, too. Now if the psychodogs will cooperate. Ha.
I really think you are on to something here. When God is in the mix He makes a little effort go a long way.
I haven’t quite nailed down my “word” for 2015. I’m praying about the word GRACE. It might be the one. I’m still waiting for that “lights on” moment.
Love you friend!
Love the word GRACE, for more reasons that one, of course. I love you, too, and thinking how wonderful if we could connect (in)RL again.
Great. Love it. Home!!!!
😀 😀
Motivated by mad and the Holy Spirit. Sometimes a place away (or a visit to Haiti) puts things in perspective. May God richly bless you as we hear more of you–you can never go wrong when you focus on those at Home. (ummm……which was the theme of my post this week.)
Haiti definitely puts things in perspective! And I’m guessing there’ll be another interior shift when I head to the Dominican in… yikes… less than two weeks!
And now I have to head to your online home…
Somehow I can’t imagine anyone not feeling welcomed into a secure and hospitable place when they come to visit you. I’m convinced your spirit and love infuse everything around you, including your home.
I’ve always been a homebody. (I think it must go hand-in-hand with being an introvert. LOL.) I love being at home, but I’m not so great at entertaining. Hospitality is a ‘help yourself’ kind of thing here. When people drop in I hope they feel welcome and are comfortable enough to reach for a second cup of coffee if I forget to offer it, because I often do!
I love your one word, and your goals. They fit well with Joshua 24:25b: “…as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
So I don’t know why I had to moderate your comment today, Carol. Weird!
I hope you’d feel welcomed! I’d do my best in spite of the duct-taped furniture. 😉 But I want to sense that inner serenity, too, and unfortunately it’s often ruffled by the confusion around me. I want to create a still center at home, too, that can be a retreat–a place that can strengthen me (an others) to enter the world’s noise and not be shaken. And I’m pretty sure I’d feel at house. I’m all for helping myself–but right now in MY house, I’d be like DON’t open my fridge. LOL.
I may need to post Joshua somewhere in this place.
Not sure if I love this because the last year has been so unsettling with our own farmhouse, or what. But I identify. My farmhouse is so bad I can’t even live in it right now. But, I’m trusting Him through my nomadic experience. One day, I will have a clean, comfortable, hospitable home again.
Keep us updated on your progress. My one word is ASK. More prayer. That’s what I need this year.
Blessings to you and yours.
~Brenda
Well, there are seasons… 🙂
I’ve been trying for years to get it together, and I’ve made a lot of progress. Well, some progress. I might be able to blame the house for part of it, but a lot of it has been life challenges that drain my energy. Or maybe it’s my age. I remember how my mother spent hours every single day working in and organizing her office right up until she died–and there is still a ton of stuff to go through. I don’t want to saddle my kids with that.
I love your one word. I will ask for the energy to make a home again and for you to grow through your nomadic experience. Hugs to you, Brenda.
Yes, I must not die before I get the farmhouse fixed. Lol. My kids would have way too much to handle. The biggest thing I’ve learned through all of it so far has been that stuff doesn’t satisfy … so get rid of it. It was tempting to make “simplify” my one word. 🙂
A good word, too! You can always ask to have Him help you simplify. 🙂
Love this post, and I join you in the attempt to make our homes liveable again. Mine needs help.
This year, my dream is to live Phil. 4:8. While I’m cleaning out the house, I also intend to clean out my mind of worldly clutter.
So we make a pact and help each other this year to ditch the exterior and interior clutter. I don’t know about you, but freezes me in all areas of my life, including my words. And I’m so over it!
Amen, Sister!
Pinky swear–we frisk our thoughts and our stuff.
I love how that verse was “rhema’d” for you, because it was for us too as we were seeking the Lord’s provision for our new (old) home!
Our home is only 35 years old. We’ve set out to do renovations and such also!
My husband envisions it as being out legacy home; where our grandchildren and generations to come knows it as Pops and MommaK’s home!
This move has gotten me so turned upside down (in a delightful way) that I’m not feeling the “pull” to take on anything else in my life except to love the family in my home more deeply and intentionally, for Christ to ooze from every room!
Wonderful word!!
That’s awesome, Kela! So we’ve been rhema’d to ooze. 🙂
Happy New Year. Here’s to home.
I gosh! Love that! Rhema’d to ooze!! YES! Here’s to home!
😀 😀
“Home is where the heart is.” “Home” is the perfect word for your year! Mine is “wonder.” I’ll be blogging about that on Friday.
Happy New Year, Sandy, and good luck with your house makeover. 🙂
Love and blessings!
I’ll be looking forward to reading about it. We all need to wonder more. Happy New Year, Martha.
Sandra, first, thanks. Having followed you for quite a few years now, I will speak my word to you. I do believe we should watch context but I also believe in the power of the words in scriptures. We do believe they ate the inspired words of our God. And so, through his 3rd revealing, the Holy Spirit (Acts), we turn to him for guidance. Obviously God has been working through the Holy Spirit to inspire you to be ‘at home’. A word I love which is so closely related is ‘dwell’. Jesus dwelled in Mary’s home for 30 years. He knew how to be at peace there. Until the time when he would step away for the ordained ministry, the Cross. God understands our need for HOME. I love your choice and your commitment to make the best use for friends and family to also feel the hominess. The peace. The quiet.
Blessings on uou.
And again, Thank You
Bonnie, a sister in Jesus
Dear Bonnie… thank you for this word, dear friend. When the Word’s words quiver with life, it’s hard to contain them. And so I claim these words for me. And yes, so related to “dwell.” And “abide.”And “oikos.” You bless me with your friendship and wisdom. Hugs to you, sister.
Sandy this speaks to me on many levels. First and foremost, I appreciate your transparency, and how you’ve opened up both your home and heart to us online throughout the year in all you write. That takes gracious hospitality and courage. Second, I think you are so right to also pay attention to the heart. For a number of years, the Lord has spoken to my about heart-and-house decluttering, and year after year after year, I fail. I start, but then both the exterior and interior clutter accumulates, and I drown. Oh, I’m good at Mrs-Bennetting. I can stash quickly. But every time I do, it’s harder to find what I need (books and papers are my downfall–I maintain the right about of clothes, I think). And books and papers are easy to stash. But I have this sense of always feeling so weighed down physically and emotionally. Michael says our basement is sinking b/c so many books are stored in boxes down there. Plus, I even have books lining full shelves in my pantry, for heaven’s sake–ah, yes, food for thought! 🙂 I realize, I need to do this ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!! Oh, yes, the heart needs to be constantly decluttered, but I mean I need to let God purge my heart at a deep level once, for all. I’m rambling, but just know that your post, your heart give me tremendous courage. I hope you will keep us posted about your progress. My word this year, my theme as I like to call it, is Bride. This really surprised me, and frankly, I didn’t gravitate to it, but the Lord kept impressing it upon me, and I kept reading it in Scripture. So I’ll need to explore it and let you know what God–what Jesus, my Bridegroom–unveils about this word/theme. (And yes, I used the word un-VEIL purposely! 🙂 Sending you so much love and joyous wishes for a home-oriented and decluttered New Year.
Love
Lynn
So I’m smiling and nodding at the books in the pantry. Those who don’t love books as food and friends just can’t understand. But a sinking basement is nothing compared to the physical and emotional weight that our “stuff” can lay on us.
And your word… Bride. I love all it entails–including the veiling and the unveiling–and will be looking forward to learning what God shows you.
Here’s to a light and homey New Year. I’m so grateful for you, my friend.
Oh Sandy! You arelly *get* it. Before I met friends like you, no one really understood that books are your friends–well, mine anyway. And the pantry thing is amazing…..but I love to read in the morning at the kitchen table. The light is good, I can look out, and I have my tea at the ready. So, it follows that the books should be close by, right?! And you are also so right about the weight of stuff…the emotional weight. You would walk into my house and generally not realize this. But things get stuffed and squirreled away. I know they are there, and it’s a weight. And it is a burden facing the emotions of facing the stuff. Do you know what I mean? Maybe that is where the procrastination sets in. I also love your comment about the unveling……and the veiling. That’s really interesting. I tend to be a transparent person (in fact, my purpose statement is “encouraging transparency.”) I encourage transparency in myself and others. I unveil. But might there be things that need veiling? I’d have to think and pray about that. But thank you for the thought. Thank you for your love and friendship, Sandy. Gosh, I wish I’d had a chance actually meet you at Deidra’s retreat. I surely saw you there. Maybe, someday. I hope so. Praying for your mission this year. May your year be merry and LIGHT.
Happy New Year.
Love
Lynn
I wanted a old house but around her they tear them down. Beautiful old homes. We built a home too big but has the look of a old Craftsman. This year I turned all the bedrooms beside the master into guest rooms. I made a art/workout room the place I meet the Lord and write and study but I haven’t loved my home like I should and I haven’t opened it others like I should. Your intent on creating a “home” for your family and friends to enjoy encourages me to get the door of my house open and let people into my life!
I have my word I think. I have only shared it with one person because it intimidates me, or scares me or something. I don’t know why exactly because last year’s word was open and I thought it would mean one thing and it ended up being something even better. Why shouldn’t I think the same about this new word?
Loved that we may have been in Haiti at the same time! Certainly will be praying for you and Kris in the DR… Happy New Year, my friend.
Dea, I lived in a turn-of-the-century neighborhood in St. Louis, and suddenly, developers got a hold of it (nearly 20 yrs ago now), and started razing houses. There were some large three-stories, but ours was a diminutive two-bedroom Arts-and-Crafts bungalow. Finally, we succumbed to the bulldozer, because we were wedged in between the mausoleums which were errected on either side of us. So sad. Most of the centuries-old trees are gone from there now, too. But I realized ultimately that my real home is my heart and that I could take that anywhere. It sounds like your heart is very welcoming and gracious, and how wonderful that you will open your house to share it. You’re such a sweet and caring person. Happy New Year, Dea.
Fondly,
Lynn
We took a trip to the past a few years ago. My paternal grandparents’ house–that my grandfather built and dug the basement by hand–where I spent much time every summer is gone. My mom’s house is gone–the space left now a funeral home parking lot. We did find my early childhood home, though. I wish I’d had enough nerve to ask myself in for a tour.
It’s sad they tear down the old to make room for new. Or maybe just bittersweet. Sometimes we need to do that in life, though, right? Let it go to rebuild. Sometimes hanging on takes so much energy. I love what you’re doing with your home as your life changes focus. I don’t know what your new word is, but I hope at some point you’ll have the courage to share.
Love you big, Dea, and I love doing life with you.
My dark humor side really thought your word was going to be “mad” lol….home is much better and motivating too!
Kel, you made me smile!
Ha! Made ya’ look. 😀
What a wonderful word for 2015, Sandy. I’ve never been able to fully embrace a word for the year. More often, I latch onto a word for a season….like the year I turned 60 and “Savor” was my inspiration for 60 days before my birthday. I’ve been in a “let go” season for a while now…as I prepared for Nick’s family’s move to Louisiana over the summer. As I enter into the year I turn 65 – also the year of the empty nest (the same month I celebrate 65, Emily graduates from college and moves out – ouch), letting-go will only intensify. I’m determined to be proactive. Earlier this week I wrote out an extended (21 weeks) “spring-cleaning” schedule for my house that begins next Monday and ends the week after my birthday, and I’m kind of excited about it. It ends with Emily’s room and bathroom so that as she is moving out, I’m turning her room into a guest room. I’m trying to focus on the positives. Maybe we could share before and after photos with each other. Happy New Year, my beautiful friend. Much love, Patricia
Oh… A 21-week cleaning schedule. Maybe I should make a plan like that–beginning after I return from the DR. Maybe on my birthday–after we spend a family weekend. You’re a genius. Sharing photos could work. I will screw up my courage. 🙂
The year of 65 (last year) was a hard one. I still hate to look at my Medicare card–that I refused to apply for. D did what needed to be done. And this year, he plans to have me start drawing SS. I’m telling you, it’s hard stuff.
Much love coming back at you, dear friend, as you let go and find a new focus.
The 65th year of my life, my hubby died, unexpectedly of a massive ‘widow-maker’ heart attack. My life turned inside out. All plans were earthquaked into the nether world. For 3 years, I did not know if I would survive or ever thrive again. In the 4th year a incident where a young illegal woman from Kenya front ended my SUV while I was parking. Back injury ensued. For 11 months I went through treatments and basically God put me in this Wilderness of Pain. After surgery, and no more pain in my 5th year (6 months ago)…..I can now see that Hod needed my total attention to speak the words of love, peace, joy, kindness, grace. My chosen word for my 6th year of Widowhood is ASTONISHED. AND NOW I KNOW, I WANT MORE OF HIM. I can let the past go, move forward into tomorrow, a daughter of the King. This really is all I need. Can I get an AMEN?
Oh, Bonnie! I’m so sorry you had to go through such a hard season, but grateful for how the LORD brought you through. Astonished is a great word!!
As I enter this year of the empty nest, I have a visible reminder that will help me focus on filling that emptiness with the LORD. So, yes, AMEN! I agree with you that He is all we need.
Blessings to you in this year to be astonished!
A big AMEN here. Your strength astonishes me. I hate that it so often takes the fire to refine, the pain to make us strong. I’m grateful for you, friend.
It IS hard stuff, Sandy. Because of my chronic illness (and shorter life expectancy), Louis had me receiving partial SS beginning last year. It has helped to pay for Emily’s college and it comforts me to know that when she graduates in May, she will graduate free of any college debt.
I’m going to share more in a blog post on Monday, but I’m not a genius – God has been faithful to meet me where I am in this season. Though, as I said before, I’m not inclined to focus on a word for the year, lately the LORD keeps bringing me back to the word “flourish.” (Psalm 92) I don’t know if flourish is for the year or a season, but it gives me hope and excitement for the days ahead.
I’ll be happy to share my 21 week schedule with you. I’m not printing it out – just keeping it as a word document so it can easily be revised as necessary. I’ve already made some changes and I haven’t even gotten started! I was going to begin in the master bedroom and closet, but I’m switching it with the kitchen. Disability has made it difficult for me to get down on the floor or climb up on stools to clean the kitchen like it needs to be. It’s probably one of the most neglected spaces in my home, so I’m going to tackle it first. Though I still can’t kneel (which makes getting up off the floor VERY awkward – LOL), at least with my new knees I can climb up and down the step stool to get to the cabinets on top. As I put away Christmas decorations, I packed a box of ornaments, lights and decorations for Emily to take with her when she moves out this summer. I can do the same in the kitchen. I love thinking about her taking bits of “home” with her when she leaves.
Can’t wait to hear about your trip with Compassion to the DR. A piece of my heart is in the DR. For years, we sponsored a child (who’s now an adult) in an orphanage in the DR through a ministry in our church.
Happy New Year, beautiful friend. xox
I find it interesting that you are mad at yourself, Sandy. And that your daughter was the one to get you going here. Seems to me like you’ve POURED yourself into your daughter and her daughters all year long – doing so many good things for so many people. Except . . . maybe . . . for you. The trip to Haiti was soul-feeding, but also exhausting. How about you working in a little more time for YOU as well as the house? I’ve learned that when I take care of me, my relationship with God opens up a little more widely and all my other relationships do, too. And the house stays decent as well. Self-care is no joke, nor is it selfish, my friend. I think you are remarkable. Patient, generous, kind. And if ‘mad’ is what motivates you – great. But please do not berate yourself in the process, okay? You’re doing such a good job with the people in your life. Give yourself some room to breathe a bit, okay?
Here’s what’s interesting, Diana. I think getting this house back in order will be doing for me. Part of my soul-care and feeding. Because honestly, it’s draining me. It’s also overwhelming I tend to get frozen in it and in my self-care and in my writing.
But I promise you, I’ll do some “me things,” too. I’ll walk more and eat less (or at least better) and sleep more and drink more water. But I’m not going to procrastinate any more. And I’ll pull my husband in to help sling a paintbrush. At least before summer when he will end up spending every nonworking moment on our huge yard. Maybe if I get it together enough, I can do more yard work to release us for more weekend fun. And I’ll be running back to you if I get off track because you are really good at getting me back on. Breathing with you. xoxo
I hear that. I have some ordering to do myself. Most of mine is not terribly visible, except in my own bedroom corner, and my small study. But I have many closets and bins that need to be redone, and sifted and sorted. And I can see that doing some of that will be a form of self-care. So we’ll help each other, okay? And I honestly thought your word was mad. Which is one reason I wrote the way I did. It wasn’t until I scrolled through again that I saw the word home at the bottom. I am a little slow sometimes.
Ha! I love it. Sometimes the box doesn’t match the wrapping. Though I *am* still a little frustrated with myself. But that’s my fire. I have the visible and invisible–physical, emotional, and spiritual. So yes, we’ll help each other. 🙂
{sigh} So understand. This house has needed help since we moved in years ago. Other things always steal the funds to do it. One of these days! Hope your New Year explodes with blessings! Love you! xoxox
Yep, that money thing is a zinger. And paint alone is so expensive! I’m going to be slinging more garbage bags. And maybe I’ll even scrub my kitchen floor. 🙂
I’m hoping for an explosion of blessings across this little piece of cyberspace and in the lives of all who click over. Love you, too, Lynn.
This is so touching, Sandra, and something that so many of us can relate to.
My word for 2015 is wisdom. I want to daily focus on His wisdom for my life rather than trying to seek my own.
2014 was hope and 2013 was joy.
Here’s to a blessed 2015!
Wisdom, yes! I’m often so wishy-washy, tossed like waves in a storm.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” ~ James 1:5
And Brenda (above) has chosen “ask.” I love how all our words can meld together.
Happy New Year, Heather.
Oh Sandra what a wonderful and worthy word for 2015. No matter what our ministry, our need to grow or our need to give, it all must start at home. I think as women we often forget that our first ministry is our home, our husband and our children (as and when we have each). I pray blessing over your home that it will indeed be a place where many will feel welcomed and know the love of Jesus.
Amen, Tania. Thank you.
I love your word. Our homes are such an important part of our lives. I’ve been motivated by mad before and it works pretty good. We’ve had a few cleanings around here because of it 🙂 This will be my first year to pick one word. I chose “fill”. My desire to let God fill up any emptiness within me. God bless. I’m glad I stopped by ~visiting from #tellhisstory
It takes a little emptiness to make room for a little filling, right? Saying a prayer right now that He’ll fill you to overfilling. Thanks for coming by, Carmen.
Hi Sandra,
The au jus dinner sounds delicious, by the way. 🙂
Good for you for wanting to dive head-on into projects around the house. May you have energy and stamina for the days you need that, and rest for the days you need that too. We are still trying to fully unpack the house and set up things after a recent move four months ago. That requires energy and time too. I’m finding. We tackle the last bits of it it bit by bit in between normal life too.
Have a great week,
Jennifer Dougan
http://www.jenniferdougan.com
Thanks, Jennifer. And you keep plugging away there, too. I have to admit, there are days I think a move would inspire a huge improvement here. 😉
This is so good! I’m feeling determined about my house this year too, even though I don’t own it but I sometimes feel like my possessions are owning me.
I hear you, Jen. I think a lot of us are being held hostage by our stuff. Here’s to breaking free!
LOVE your word for the year. I have some goals to get my home in order as well, which will help me along in my One Word, which is “content”. Happy New Year!
I love how all our words kind of weave together and end up in the same place–Him.
Haiti has wrecked me. I want to be content, too… and content with even less. Happy New Year, Barbie.
Just love your gearing up and determination. I feel so much more me with a pretty and comfortable home. It’s been kind of foundational to my peace. But perhaps I need to put down some of my ideals and write more. Maybe that is why my writing place is so…sluggish.
God bless your 2015 Sandy! 🙂
I think my lately lack of ideals are also affecting my writing. 😉
Bless your New Year, Kathy. May it be productive in the being as well as the doing.
This reminds me of my word for 2015–Forward. After a year with a lot of change and nostalgia and all the upheaval that goes with it, God is nudging me (okay, shoving!) me forward into whatever comes next. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but it’s better than stagnating, isn’t it? Blessings to you!
Change is hard. And moving forward is much better than stagnating, Ginger! Let’s just keep following that pillar and cloud–and keep trusting He’s leading us to something better. Blessings to you, friend.
I loved reading about your home…and could relate to your struggles! I’ve been in the process of stripping wallpaper in one small bathroom for months and still can’t see the end. I think “Home” is an awesome word.
My word this year is “Enough”. I struggle with thoughts of not being enough or doing enough. My focus this year will be to listen more to God as He tries to teach me that He is enough…and, in His eyes, I too am enough.
Love your blog!
It’s good to have a sister in the “stripping.” Just letting it all hang out there, throwing off all that entangles us, getting real.
I love the word, “enough.” We need to say “enough” to the thoughts of not being enough–because God is enough. If we were enough, we wouldn’t need Him, right?
Thanks so much for coming by, Kristi. Happy New Year.
I like how you used rhema as a verb.
😀 😀
Great word and noble task! I crave order and beauty in my home, and the prospective joy of achieving them turns chores into therapy. I pray that will be the case for you, and that God meets you in the process. He is a redeemer and delights to make all things new. May your home increasingly become a reflection of what He does with the broken down places in our lives.
Love you!
Jeanne
I crave that, too. And when I’m surrounded by simple beauty, I’m at rest within. It seems wrong sometimes to be so internally affected by the external–but He is a God of order, after all. And it’s easier to enter the world’s crazy when I can return to a haven of rest.
Love you more.