Me between my cousins–picking my nose
My daughter was expelled from Mother’s Morning Out.
When she was two.
“I cannot believe that Sandy King’s daughter bites.”
Talk about a slap in my perfect parent facade. I was an older mom (at 38) and supposedly wiser. But I was raising a biter.
It all started at a Gymboree open house. Abby and some little boy had gotten into the same tire, and he wanted to love on her. He closed in for a hug, but she’d have none of that. She could not repel his advances, so she did what she had to do. She bit him. And drew blood.
I was mortified.
We never signed up for Gymboree.
My husband worked long hours then, and Abby and I spent hours alone hundreds of miles from family. Often I would sit with her on the floor while she played, and I’d fall asleep. I could not stay awake. I feared something horrible was wrong with me, so I went to see my doctor.
“You’re depressed,” he told me. And prescribed medicine.
I felt guilty about that. Not only was I parentally flawed, but I was also now proven flakey.
The adoption people must have preapproved us in error.
A local church opened a Mother’s Morning Out program. I signed my girl up right away. I needed a break, and we figured the Gymboree incident was just a fluke. She’d been fine in the church nursery.
But then I got the call. She’d bitten a little boy in the middle of his back. Out of nowhere.
I couldn’t believe it. “Come in next week,” the teacher told me, “and just observe.”
I cried right there in the office, and the next week I watched as the teacher sat on the floor reading out loud to Abby and two other children seated close. I saw Abby lean over and take a chunk out of a kid’s arm before either the teacher or I could stop her. For no reason. (Though years later she told me she just liked the feel of skin between her teeth.)
We were fired from Mother’s Morning Out.
Pink-slipped.
And, of course, it was all my fault.
My fault the children got bit. My fault my mother-in-law died because the nurse-me didn’t pay attention to the symptoms. My fault when we ran into financial struggles because I quit working. My fault when my children made bad choices. My fault, of course, when I made bad parenting decisions.
Then there’s guilt for the broken lamp I lied about. For stealing my brother’s money to order a first bra from the Aldens catalogue. I didn’t go to my own sister’s wedding. (Yeah, that one still reduces me to rubble.)
There’s guilt because I spend more time with words than with Windex.
And by the way, it’s also my fault when the sun shines too hot and when the wind blows too strong and when the rain falls too hard.
I’m more than eager to take responsibility for everything. Especially the bad stuff.
Because guilt is my idol, but I’m giving it up. I’m not going to grovel under it no more, no more, no more, no more.
So hit the road, Jack. And don’t you come back no more.
I’m not going to give you the time of day or any more of my attention.
Because you, guilt, are not the god of me.
And contrary to my belief, I cannot control life. I cannot control how others respond to life.
I can’t even control the weather.
Because… newsflash… I’m. Not. God.
But I’ve been preapproved by God.
Me – grade school.
Why did Mom always perm my hair the day before pictures?
Preapproved before I was a promise in my mama’s pouch.
Preapproved to be a parent to two particular kids.
Preapproved to live a guilt-free life because Jesus took my certificate of debt and stamped it with His love.
Tetelestai! Finished! Paid in full.
Beloved.
Treasured.
Enough.
Just as I am.
Period.
So goodbye, guilt. And I hope the door hits you hard on the way out.
In the stillness,
Sandy
If you’re still enough, you’ll hear it. It’s an idol smackdown. Can you feel the shaking? There’s a movement afoot based on a new book written by my dear friend, Jennifer Dukes Lee. It’s called Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval–and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. It releases on April Fool’s Day. In it, Jennifer “invites us to make peace with our imperfections and to stop working overtime for a love that is already ours.” She’s asking us this Lent to let go of those things that take up space in our heart meant for God alone. To let them go forever. Will you join The Love Idol Movement? Let’s be fools for God together and give our idols the boot.
Like I spoke to you by the banks of the Frio —
It’s all Him. You can’t take any of the credit but you also can’t claim any of the blame.
I have prayed there is freedom in those words.
Love you!
Precious time that was. Love you, too.
Wow. This is something I’ve “struggled with” {another nice way of saying it’s been my idol}, for so long I didn’t even see it. But the words resonated so freshly that I cannot deny it. Guilt is a form of control. Which brings me to your same conclusion… I’m. Not. God.
I’m running to my prayer closet, throwing down the guilt, and picking up the Word. His word that tells me beloved, treasured and enough. Thank you. For being the conduit of honesty and truth.
“But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!” ~ 1 Corinthians 15:57 (Message)
Thank God!
Your story, Sandra, sounds so much like mine. I never knew you had adopted. I guess I had missed that. But that sound of “I’m a failure as a parent” hits us adoptive Moms even harder, I think, because we feel we’ve been called to give our children a new life they never would have had. And when we see we can’t provide it, control it, use the right method to change them, we just want to die. Guilt upon guilt. I know the all-to-familiar feeling.
These idols are all linked–guilt, approval, condemnation, the need to control. They’re all part of the pride-sin, the trying to be God. Yet, God wants to offer us the approval that needs no recognition from man. We have the best approval man could want–that of God Himself.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for touching the pain within me. Thank you for showing me another idol I need to lay down.
Blessings,
Janis
I don’t think I knew you adopted, either, Janis. I do think we adoptive parents often carry an extra measure of guilt (and fear) because we’ve been entrusted with a special gift. I have to always go back to the birth stories and remember than God knew the future in the past and has a plan beyond what I can think or imagine. I forgot to link to my daughter’s story. I fixed that in the first line, but here…
Her Father’s Joy
And here’s my son’s story…
They Call Him
Oh my…just when I thought I was only dealing with one, or maybe two idols. This one is HUGE for me! You brought it out so well, and love the adorable pictures. And love your daughter! LOL…I had a biter too.
That’s the way I felt, Nannette. Which idol do I choose, and how do I put a name to it. Maybe it all comes down to one letter–I.
Glad to know a fellow biter’s mom. 😉
This is so awesome. I love the reality of your words, the struggle then the releasing… the whole thing is just so real. THANK you. it gives hope to others to see this ‘transition’ from your heart.
To give hope… that’s my hope, dear Sharon. Thank you.
WOW! Guilt an idol? Using guilt for control?
Guilt and shame are the “issues” I’ve been working on in my Biblical counseling class. I tend to live in a state of self condemnation. I have declared myself guilty…yes it’s always my fault. I could have been better, made a better choice, tried harder…but it’s never enough.
But guilt an idol? Perhaps shame too? Sigh…I just never thought about it.
It all comes down to me, I’m afraid. Where’s my focus? What do I think about the most? My flaws, my real sin, my perceived guilt? Or His victory over all of it–and how much He loves me just as I am. Love you, friend.
So much yes to all of this! I never thought of guilt as and idol, just as I never thought perfectionism to be an idol. But our Father has been slowly chipping away at my ideas about those things. He’s been graciously teaching me that perfection is not the goal. He’s showing me that we are all created unique, and my best “Jen” is not the same as another’s. Not only that, but He doesn’t expect it to be! How freeing it is! 🙂
“We are all created unique.” And if we’re not accepting that… if we’re trying to be something other than, aren’t we refusing that freedom and denying His creative genius?
Wow, Sandy! Awesome insights here. I think most of us moms can relate. I hadn’t related guilt to control, but you’re right. BTW, one of my grandsons was kicked out of preschool at 3 for the same reason. Love you BIG, Sandy.
Oh, my daughter will be glad to hear that. 😉
Love you BIGGER! xo
Sandy, you took me on a journey here–one that ended up in a place I didn’t expect. Well done! And I enjoyed every step along the way.
I’m so grateful to journey with you.
This is incredible!! I love your humor and your raw honesty 🙂 Thank you so much for showing me~~ME 🙂 You put it right into perspective! I’m right there with ya 🙂 Glad to meet you, Sandy 🙂
Thanks so much, Tracy. Glad to meet you, too!
Oh my lands. That second picture of you. Just wanna squeeze ya. Precious.
😀
I scanned another of me in those old “winged” glasses, but it was just too big. It would have made you laugh out loud. 😉
Oh Sandy – this is so me. And I am so weary of it. I long to get my heart around “pre approved.” It’s time.
For such a time as this… No guilt. No regret. One thing I love is how the younger women bring the older women along as well as vice versa. We’re all in this together no matter our age. Love you big.
Sandy my daughter (who is now 34) was a biter, too, and it mortified me. What a terrible parent I was.
I’ve been mulling over all these idol conversations–two that have to go in my life in particular–and will be writing about them soon.
Yours is a great pep talk to kick things off. Awesome job.
(Love the hair cut in your elem school photo.)
Oh, Jody. My mom used to give me these Lilt (or maybe Toni) perms all the time. I remember sitting on the floor on Sunday nights in front of Ed Sullivan while she combed the curls. I hated them! 🙂
I’ll be watching for your post.
Yes and Amen to no more guilt!
😀 😀
Oh, the mommy guilt! Who of us hasn’t had that? Do what you can, and leave the rest to God. That’s what I say to myself anyway…when the guilt moves in.
Exactly. I have a framed print of Gail Copeland’s words titled, “We are a Family,” that starts out like this:
“Since before any of us were born, God planned for us to share our lives with each other . . . ”
He knew we would be sandpaper and salve to and for each other.
Well acquainted, guilt and me. My natural inclination is to take the blame. It’s always my fault. Whatever it is. Even the things I don’t know about. My bad. Yes ma’am. So, I’m with Sonya on this: Yes and amen! And amen, again!
You know, Deidra, that Abby is struggling with a torn PCL. Last night she stopped here to drop something off… and fell on the ice in the driveway… right on her knee (and hand.) Her knee swelled up immediately. My first thought… that wouldn’t have happened had I not asked her to stop by. I refused to dwell on it.
Guilt has followed me around for as long as I can remember. You’re right it’s time to kick it to the curb!! Good-bye Guilt and don’t let the door hit you in the keister on the way out!!
I think it’s time we both got new friends, Alecia. We need to ban guilt from the cool clique. 😉
Wow! Hi Sandra. I’m visiting today via Holley Gerth’s Coffee For Your Heart linkup and I’m so glad I picked you! This was an awesome read. Can I just say, despite not knowing you, I am so proud of you?!! You’ve not only kicked guilt to the door and laid it out if it wants for more, but you’ve encouraged me to watch for it in my own life and follow suite. Too often I think I tend to step up to take blame with guilt as a rider on my back…how you listed out so many things in your post actually is helping me see this and giving me a kick. A good kick, not out the door but off my duff in this area. Thanks and keep on writing!
I’m so thrilled you stopped by, Babs. I like the image of “guilt as a rider on my back.” Let’s buck it off when it tries to climb back on. We’ll do battle together.
Thanks for sharing such a sweet story and oh so familiar. Have..got..to..stop..taking..the blame. A good reminder.
Hi Janene,
We need to remember that God sees us as blameless. 🙂
Love this. Love the photos, including the perm. Adorable!
Aside from the gushing over photos, the theme of this post is marvelous, Sandy. Your frankness and humor, a wonderful mix. Deep-See Diver, yes indeed. I will always equate you with that tagline.
I love you, Marilyn! And I will always see you deep diving in the Frio! 😀
I love that you see me as a deep see diver. I kind of moved away from that only because so many thought I was making a spelling error–and I kept getting followers from deep sea dive groups. 😉
Sandra, Thank you, thank you for sharing this post! In my past I’ve had a similar list of all “my faults.” This was causing me such anxiousness. In October I finally came to a breaking point where I said no more! And I have had the most joyful 4 months! It’s been challenging to take every thought captive, but by the grace of God he’s been with me every moment.
“Hit the road guilt” is a perfect message to these thoughts. The “doing” is a tougher gig, but hanging that sign around your neck is a bold and audacious start.
David
(and i do miss “deep see diver” . It was the most clever tag line in the Intrawebs