I slammed doors, stomped feet, and spewed all kind of venom.
How dare the company ask us to move (even if only for a short time), and how dare my husband say yes.
He could just go alone. Without me. Because here is where I was. The I who’d found my identity and importance in doing good.
Never mind that I was weary and overwhelmed and not so much doing good for my husband.
The tantrum didn’t last too long, and I resigned from all my responsibilities (and later discovered life in that place did not collapse without me.)
We moved into a smaller house that I now had time to clean and keep neat. I baked bread again, cooked healthy foods, and we walked every morning before my husband went to work and after he came home. Those long days gave me time to sit and read and write and study and quilt and even nap. I ate grapes for dessert and watched pounds peel away.
When a woman from our new church needed a place to hold a meeting, I invited her to hold it at my house. In my kitchen. And I baked some kind of nifty and complicated breakfast bread.
I’d found some balance. Finally.
I remember the day, though, when this same woman called. I don’t remember all the details, but she wanted me to drive her somewhere to help a battered young woman. Never mind that I’d just had major surgery to reconstruct a scarred tube in the hopes of becoming pregnant. This was not about me, she pressed. This was about someone who needed me, and I’d be selfish to say no. I said I’d do it, hung up the phone, and cried. I was so tired. But I didn’t want to be selfish.
I sometimes wonder if the final outcome might have been different if I’d invested in more self-care after that surgery.
“He seemed,” wrote John Wesley in his Journal about George Whitefield, “to be an old man, being fairly worn out in his Master’s service, though he has hardly seen fifty years . . . ”
Whitefield himself said when advised to rest, “I had rather wear out than rust out.” He died at 64. (My goodness, that’s how old I am.) I wonder if he’d have lived longer and touched even more people for his Master had he “indulged” in a little more self-care.
I’m reading The Life of the Body: Physical Well-Being and Spiritual Formation by Valerie Hess and and Lane Arnold. They emphasize in chapter 3, “Toward a Balanced Lifestyle,” that self-care is a godly activity. That self-love is not the same as self-indulgence. That many of us believe that to care for ourselves is selfish, that the needs of others are more important than our own.
But, I think, doesn’t Paul tell us in Philippians to value others above ourselves? To look not to our interests but to the interests of others? And then there’s that old J-O-Y acronym: Jesus, Others, You–right there at the bottom.
Valerie describes a pastor’s wife who ruined her own health in spite of a chronic condition that required her to rest. She nearly died twice and was eventually forced to take disability.
Somehow, the idea of simply “being” with God, enjoying his presence, doing nothing but sitting with him while watching a sunset, seems “sinful” or wasteful . . . The irony is, the more frantic our lives are, even in the service of God, the less useful we are in the kingdom of God . . . We cannot be the hands and feet and heart of Christ if those body parts are suffering from neglect or even abuse through overuse. ~p. 61-62
I’m going out to sit in the yard now to be with God.
Still sitting,
Sandy
Some of us are working our way through The Life of the Body: Physical Well-Being and Spiritual Formation by Valerie Hess and Lane Arnold. This week Marcus Goodyear leads us through chapters 3-5 over at The High Calling. Pop on over to read more.
Yes! And the thing is that the balance shifts over time. I also believe God knows the number of our days.
I wonder…if we ill develop a spiritually healthy understanding of grace and works, that will probably go a long way in helping us discern when we’ve gotten out of balance.
Sitting, walking, resting….we simply must find the place where we can be filled up before we can pour out.
Wish I could sit with you. xoxox
Absolutely, Patricia. How can we pour out when we’re dried out? And learning that balance… I think it will take the rest of my life.
Haven’t gotten this far in the book yet–maybe I need to say no to a few more things? But . . . love, love, love this. I’ve tried to have this conversation with other women in the church, tried to draw the distinction between self-care and selfish, but you’ve done a better job of capturing what I keep trying to say.
And that J-O-Y thing? Don’t even get me started…
It’s taken me a long time to learn to say no. I think it’s that people-pleasing-need-to-be-perfect part of me. I need to remember than when I say no, I’m also saying yes to something. And vice versa.
This is so beautiful. Why is it so hard to give ourselves permission to heal (or rest)?
God does know the number of our days, so to rest along the way and administer care to ourselves maybe it would make the journey less wearisome? Oh to find the balance of when we should just rest and when we should press into God and press through.
Oh amen, Sharon. This body God’s given us to live in for a short time, this place where He also lives, it’s a gift. Why do we feel we can toss it aside? Oh to find and keep that balance… which might be different in different seasons.
We had a pastor who always said, from the pulpit, “I’d rather wear out than rust out.” I thought it was admirable. But, I was also in my twenties. What a relief to realize rust or wear-and-tear are no the only options. (I hope you’re not reading this. I hope you’re still sitting in the yard.)
Ha! I did come in after a bit. The mosquitoes are alive and well.
I loved this post Sandra! Even though I teach burn out, I find I struggle with stopping, resting and simply being. Lately I’ve been asking myself what am I rushing around about?!
Those things we teach are so often the same things we need to learn, right? Time goes by fast enough. No need to put the pedal to the metal. 😉
I loved this post, Sandy. What was that woman thinking piling guilt on you like that?
What was I thinking to let her?
It makes me sad to think of you sacrificing yourself Sandy, all the while knowing it is exactly what so many of us do. Our Pastor said this weekend, ” There are only two religions in the world. One is the religion of works, the other the religion of grace.” It has taken me a very long time to get that down into my heart.
Me, too, Linda. And the irony is, the more we be, the more we embrace that He is so pleased with us we don’t have to please others to prove our worth, the more He can do through us.
It’s good for me to read this, me – in the midst of raising 6 little ones (littlest only 6 weeks, goodness!) and wondering if the constant work is indeed wearing me down. I know I am working for Him, loving these littles, but wondering if the Y in JOY ever shows up…or is merely an afterthought. Thank you for your words!
Oh my, Lydia. You are in a hard and beautiful season. You need to be creative in finding that Y–so you can be fully present for others–for those sweet littles. Love to you.
We place such a high value in our culture — and in our church culture — on being busy, staying busy. We get so involved in the programming, that we forget about real ministry — starting with the important ministry to our own souls and bodies, these temples of the Holy Spirit.
So grateful for your wise words, dear sister.
We are visual right? We’re oriented and driven to see results. To see numbers. Where from God’s perspective, it’s often the unseen, what happens within the one or few that holds more eternal importance.
When I am not busy, the enemy tries to convince me I’m lonely.. I call him out because slowly I am learning to value rest, to be okay with taking care of me. I’ve come along way baby!! Still struggle sometimes but finally getting a sort of rhythm.
If the enemy can keep you busy, he can keep you away from Him, right?
I daresay it was selfish of a woman you hardly knew to ask for a ride to rescue someone you didn’t know, and to guilt you into it by calling you selfish.
Jesus had to retreat from the crowds sometimes. He had to get away to a quiet place, sometimes even away from the disciples, to quietly be with his Father. What better example do we have than that?
As for physical self-care, I think the temple metaphor is useful here. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. This has implications for how we eat, for hygiene, for adequate sleep and rest, for romantic conduct, for medical care … Jesus healed a lot of bodies. And he spent a lot of time eating with people. And remember what he told Martha when she complained that Mary wasn’t helping her in the kitchen?
Exactly. Let’s spend more time choosing the better thing.
Hugs. = ) and that balance changes with the changing seasons in my life… so happy now that my “people pleasing” mentality has given way to the grace of what God wants for me… not what other people want from/of me. Glad you shared this, Sandy. <3
Hugs back. Yes, I’ve come a long way, too.
Dear Sandra
This is so incredibly sad about the pastor’s wife. This is what our insecurities do to us and we want to earn God’s approval through the ways of the world. I used to be exactly the same as that lady until our Pappa stopped me in my tracks wit Fm/CFS! It is still hard for me to rest and look after myself the way I am supposed to and I need much grace to accepts the limitations this illness puts on me! I think the lady who wanted a lift from you was quite manipulating, looking at the methods she used to convince you to comply. I have learned through the years the wonder of that little sweet word, “NO”.
Much love from Emily’s
Mia
And absolutely you need to take time to rest and care for yourself. “No” can be such a beautiful word. 🙂
Some good thoughts here–about how the balance between activity and rest changes over time, about how our modern church culture values visible good works, and about how our bodies are temples, but I think this boils down to something even simpler to understand, if not simple to do. I think it all comes down to seeking God, following Christ. He perfectly balanced times when he worked and rested and He raised up sitting at His above busy-ness as the ‘better part’. I think this all gets easier the less I focus on what to do or not to do and more just on the person of God Himself. Then, He takes me where I need to go.
Hear, hear! Thank you, JoAnne.
I feel the Spirit saying that this summer is about rest & recovery. About re-establishing ourselves as a family. We’re all worn out and slightly PTSD-ish. Today, we slept in, in spite of school and work. We’ll get ‘er done, just not in top form.
Yes, ma’m. Some good R&R is just what the Doctor ordered. And good for you for allowing yourselves to stop. Love you, sister-friend.
We make a huge mistake running ourselves ragged in the service of others. We must take time to be still with God and renew our strength. How can we love others if we don’t first know how to love ourselves?
Beautiful, thoughtful insights, Sandy!
We serve best when we haven’t run ourselves ragged in service. Absolutely. Thank you, Martha.
Yup. I’m also a victim of “J-O-Y” living. Thank you for being another voice reminding me that I’m a vessel that needs to be filled to overflowing with love before I can pour it into others.
I have just learned the benefits of this place and am a wholly better servant and tend more towards holiness as I serve. Thanks. And girl..there is NO WAY you are 64…c’mon! And if you are, then I want to be like you when I grow up. Blessings!
You are my favorite today, Lorretta. 🙂