Sandra Heska King

daring to open doors

  • Home
  • About
  • DISCLOSURES
    • Amazon Affiliate
    • Book Reviews
  • Published
  • Contact
  • Blog
    • Commit Poetry
    • Dared

Still Grappling with Grief

November 28, 2012 By Sandra Heska King

 

One year ago yesterday, my mother died.

I’m angry.

And sad.

And grateful.

I’m remembering, second-guessing every decision.

Immediately after her fall and diagnosis of a brain tumor, she spent several weeks in a local nursing home. She was not safe for surgery at that point.

After the biopsy, she transferred to rehab where they encouraged her and worked aggressively with her. At the first conference, each team member laid out goals for the next week.

But then suddenly we were pressed for a transfer decision. They all knew something we didn’t. That the tumor was aggressively malignant.

They stole the hope they’d lavished. We hadn’t even talked with the doctor yet.

This morning I saw yet another ad for the Cancer Institutes of America. I think of my mom every time I see one. She asked about seeking treatment there. But I still remember the doctor who sat on her bed, his face drenched with compassion.

He spoke the words slowly.

“I.

Worry.

That.

To.

Treat.

This.

Tumor.

Would.

Cause.

More.

Harm.”

She chose no treatment.

But should we have tried?

Where to go from here?

Back to her own home where Sissy and I would bear her care?

Back to her semi-private nursing home room around the corner from her house (where she often waited up to an hour for help)?

To the hospice house the doctor recommended down the road from the hospital but 30 miles from home where she’d have a large private room with an attentive staff–and a hot tub down the hall?

We dodged the discharge planner who hovered over us for an answer.

Finally we loaded her into a handicapped van and drove her to the hospice house for a look-see.

She chose to stay in this magic place.

And we (Sissy and Dad and I) moved in with her.

I treasure those last days.

How could we know the night they carried her to the ambulance, how could she know that was the last time she’d close the door. The last time she’d ever see her home again?

How could any of us know that she’d never again sleep in her own bed, have a cup of coffee and nibble my dad’s  pork-and-bean bread at her own table, smoke a cigarette indoors, or organize papers in her office?

She didn’t even get to say goodbye.

I bought her a hippopotamus pillow pet she christened Doc H.

Toward the end she re-named it Doc Do Nothing.

I’m angry.

And sad.

And grateful.

Sissy and I were with her when her spirit separated with a shudder and flew home.

One year ago yesterday, my mother lived.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ~1 Thessalonians 4:13 (NIV)

Share this:

  • Email
  • Print
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest

Filed Under: stories and reflections

Comments

  1. juliana says

    November 28, 2012 at 11:59 am

    aching with you Sandy…

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 3:00 pm

      I love how the Body of Christ shares each other’s pain. It lightens the ache. Thank you, Juliana.

  2. Susan says

    November 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    “one year ago yesterday, my mother lived.”

    Love that.

    “one month ago, two days ago, my mother lived,” said me.

    I feel it with you Sandy, I truly do.

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

      I am so sorry, Susan. Sitting quiet with you.

  3. Sharon O says

    November 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    wow. so powerful.

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 3:22 pm

      The emotions can still rise up powerful, Sharon. 🙂

  4. Carol J. Garvin says

    November 28, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    I know sometimes that one year seems like an eternity ago, and other times only moments away. I was with my mom in her last days in a hospice. She lived one month after her diagnosis, and had refused treatment because they said it couldn’t give her more than a few extra weeks at best. I sometimes wonder “what if they were wrong?” Life filled with “what ifs” can’t change today, however, so I try to dwell more on the good memories altho’ it’s especially hard during the Christmas season. She’s been gone 29 years now and I still miss her. She was the only one who could make her Christmas pudding recipe exactly right!!!

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 3:27 pm

      “What if they were wrong?” That’s a kicker question, isn’t it? That’s what they told Mom, too. And that those few weeks would not hold much quality. But yes, we can’t cling to those what if’s…

      Mom always made an ambrosia (I think she called it a fruit cocktail salad) with sour cream. My sister made it last week and served it in traditional bowl. I was never crazy about it, but it never tasted so good.

  5. Megan Willome says

    November 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    And I was still hurting a lot at the one-year. It lifted shortly afterward. A friend who lost her mom right before said that at the one-year, it felt like it had just happened, but at the two-year, it felt like it happened a decade ago. That’s how it’s been for me.

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 3:28 pm

      I’m glad you have your poetry and that I have my blog posts to help us remember. I don’t want to forget.

  6. Melinda Lancaster says

    November 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Lovingly lifting you up in prayer during this difficult time.

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 3:29 pm

      Love you, Melinda. I wish I was going to be in Nashville longer so I could see you.

  7. Laura says

    November 28, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    It seems impossible that a year has gone by, Sandy. Wrapping my arms around you from here.

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm

      I feel it, Laura. All the way from there. And yes, a whole year, a busy year, a year filled with all kinds of emotions. I’m glad I had this place to share and sisters like you to hold me up. xoxo

  8. Sheila Seiler Lagrand says

    November 28, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Angry, sad, grateful. Me too.
    But it’s been four years.

    What amazes is me is how every detail can be so different, yet the questions that linger are exactly the same?

    Love you.

    • Sandra says

      November 28, 2012 at 11:03 pm

      Ties that bind… Love you, too.

  9. Mary @ Woman to Woman says

    November 28, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Oh Sandy, my heart aches for you. My sweet dad ran into the arms of Jesus three weeks ago after being in hospice care for two weeks. I wasn’t able to be there to hold his once-strong hand or kiss his cheek good-bye. I’m so sad, yet I rejoice that he’s with our Father… so many emotions.
    My heart goes out to you. I pray that God would give your mind rest from the ‘what-ifs’ and swell your heart with sweet memories. Blessings to you.

  10. Diana Trautwein says

    November 29, 2012 at 12:36 am

    Oh, my. Yes to this. All of it. The second-guessing, the wondering, the sorrow, the release, too. It’s all a part of this painful road. We all second-guess. Even when our loved ones survive, we second-guess. My husband had surgery for prostate cancer that left permanent side effects. Now they tell us that too many have operated too soon. That can’t change things now, 7 years later, though. So we live life differently than we imagined we might. BUT we live life. And for that we give thanks. And your mom is living life, too – just not here, where you can touch her and talk to her. You made good choices, Sandy. You really, really did. You said good-bye well and that is a gift. Even amidst the wondering, please hang onto that. And the truth that your mom did not have to endure the sometimes horrific after-effects of brain surgery for a person in their 80s. Hang onto what you KNOW as well as what you feel, dear friend. Yet feel it, too. Praying for you tonight. Thankful for you.

  11. Martha Orlando says

    November 29, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Holding you in my heart, Sandy . . . May God grant you His comfort and grace as you grieve.

  12. Lori says

    November 29, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Oh Sandra, how well I know this grief….I am so glad you had some last days with her. It’s only a year and it’s still fresh. Maybe you find comfort in knowing that whatever you did, it was the right thing. Death is not every natural since it was never part of God’s plan. But His grace covers it all…fills in all the cracks of sadness and thankfully He heals us in time. Praying for you…Lori

  13. Mitzi says

    November 29, 2012 at 11:17 am

    I just lost my Mother early in the morning on the Friday after Thanksgiving, so this post really touched my heart deeply. Having lost my dad 4 days after Christmas 20 years ago, I can relate to how you are feeling at this moment only a year after your moms passing. Praying for peace and comfort during this difficult time.

  14. Carrie Burtt says

    November 29, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    It is a blessing when we do have time to care for a loved one and say goodbye in our own way….this is beautiful and a lovely tribute to your love for your Mom.

  15. Linda says

    November 29, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    Oh Sandy – I read these poignant words and images of my own aging mother fill my head. She is doing well, but I know the days are coming. I am soaking in your wisdom and compassion in dealing with this great loss. I think you did well sweet friend. I think you did so very well.

  16. Sissy says

    November 29, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    You’re not alone. And neither am I.

  17. emily wierenga says

    November 29, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    oh friend. even in your pain, in your grief, i read Jesus so loud and clear. i love how you ended this piece. how you ended it with life. love you. hugs.

  18. Dolly@Soulstops says

    November 29, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Oh, Sandy…just sending you a big hug, and praying God holds you tight and comforts you.

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Flickr
  • Google+
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter

Meet Sandra

I’m Sandra, a camera-toting, recovering doer who’s learning to be. still. Read more…

Get updates from the stillness by email

Your personal information is safe and will never be shared.

Archives

Categories

Instagram Inspiration

sandraheskaking

“Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous to “Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous to be understood. . . Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment and bow their heads.” ~ Mary Oliver in “Mysteries, Yes”
🌱
No way could anyone ever convince me that this world in all its beauty and creativity and mysteries is here by accident.
Food truck night with a newcomer—@crepstick. So Food truck night with a newcomer—@crepstick. So yummy! I hope they come back.  But maybe not too often or I’ll have to do double time on the exercise.
“Embrace this day knowing and showing the world “Embrace this day knowing and showing the world that your God is more than enough for you.”
🌿
@tamiheim @tonibirdsong 
In @stickyJesus: How to Live Out Your Faith Online
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the str My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion.” Psalm 73:26 (ESV)
🌿
I’d almost forgotten what quiet mornings on the patio were like. (Quiet except for the birds and the sound of the neighbor’s AC.)
So yesterday I saw my cardiologist. It was the fir So yesterday I saw my cardiologist. It was the first time he wanted to see me in 6 months instead of a year. He said my aortic stenosis had gotten worse. Like on the cusp of moderate to severe. 😬

So the first thing he asks me is, "How's you daughter?" Wait. Isn't this supposed to be about ME?

Then he asks if I've had any symptoms. "Well, I don't know. Maybe. I felt a little dizzy out of the blue a couple times. And felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I wouldn't have paid any attention if I didn't know I was supposed to be watching for symptoms. I DID walk all over Israel and up a bunch of steep hills, even all the way up to the Golan Heights--against the wind--without anything but normal fatigue.

He laughs. "I created a monster." Ummm, yeah.

"Have you been exercising?" 

"Well, yeah. We walk a couple miles a day. I'm back on my Nordictrack Strider." I didn't tell him I'd been lifting some light weights and some very heavy boxes and other items during this renovation, though I was told in December not to.

So he listens to the beating of my heart. Then he says, "Well, I don't think the valve is ripe yet. I don't expect you to have symptoms for three or four years. You don't need to come back for a year."

Wait! So you ask if I have symptoms. But you don't expect symptoms--yet. And when I do have symptoms, someone is gonna do something. And then I'll be older and maybe weaker. Or what if I have some sudden and silent symptom and boom! And now I have to worry about that. 

(In other news, my oldest grand texts me the other day, and our conversation runs like this...
Last weekend we were in northern Michigan. And the Last weekend we were in northern Michigan. And there were lilacs. They even shook their heads over tornado-induced devastation. Look for the beauty and sweet scents in the midst of the mess. I miss the lilacs.
Yesterday’s morning view. We haven’t seen the Yesterday’s morning view. We haven’t seen the sun all day today.
When the folks in my hometown of Gaylord, Michigan When the folks in my hometown of Gaylord, Michigan ate their breakfast Friday morning, they had no idea what terror and devastation they'd face before dinner. Everyone has a story. You've probably seen pictures.

If not, take a peek at @mlivenews .

My great-nephew, not quite 12, had just gotten home from school when the EF-3 came down the street and left its mark on every home. My niece frantically tried to find her way from work through debris and blocked roads. My sister was 30 miles away visiting my dad in rehab. I don't want to know how fast my brother-in-law drove. 

The house and yard took a hit, worse than some, not as bad as others. A mobile home park was demolished--two deaths there. I heard one person is still missing. So many injured. So much awful. But the town is coming together for each other. Pray for them.

We plan to fly up Thursday--already planned to celebrate my dad's 95th birthday. 

Also, if anyone feels led to help, the Otsego Community Foundation and Otsego County United Way are accepting donations. Note “Tornado Relief.” Beware of any other fundraising requests.
Cutting tonight’s walk short. Stupid blue jay. N Cutting tonight’s walk short. Stupid blue jay. Not this one. A different one. But still. (My niece believes blue jays are a visitation from Grandma—my mom.) 
My shirt says “Walk in love. But I’m not feeling very loving. And if it WAS my Mom AKA Mother Mary Esther of the Order of Perpetual Birdwatchers, I’ll bet she’s having a good laugh. A passerby said she heard it was good luck and I should buy a lottery ticket tonight. In other news, I also banged my hip bone against our bed’s footboard and gave myself a mighty bruise. Then I burned my arm on the top of the grill. I did manage to wash all the knives without cutting myself and didn’t start any fires. So how was your day?
And now… “From the rising of the sun to the pl And now… “From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.”
The world’s a mess, but His mercies are new. The world’s a mess, but His mercies are new.
When we were in Israel last month, we visited @yad When we were in Israel last month, we visited @yadvashem - the World Holocaust Center in Jerusalem. There wasn't enough time to spend nearly enough time. 

The Valley of the Communities was very moving. It's a labyrinth of stone from which there seems no way out. Our guide said It gives an idea of the endlessness of the horror. His parents emigrated from Vilna (the Jerusalem of Lithuania), before the Holocaust. In 1935, thirteen of his family members still remained there. By 1945 only one--an uncle--had survived. He wrote a book about them from a bundle of old letters. "One story out of millions."

"This memorial commemorates the Jewish communities destroyed by Nazi Germany and its collaborators, and the few which suffered but survived in the shadow of the Holocaust."
#Israel2022 #HolocaustRemembranceDay
“From my favorite spot on the floor, I look up a “From my favorite spot on the floor, I look up at the blue sky and the bare chestnut tree on whose branches little raindrops shine, appearing like silver, ” Anne Frank wrote in the Diary of a Young Girl. Watching the tree change through the seasons her family spent in hiding in an attic gave her hope. The Holocaust Memorial Center is one of only eleven sites in the United States to receive a sapling from that tree. I stand at “her” window and imagine hanging hope on a tree.

"It happened, therefore it can happen again: this is the core of what we have to say. It can happen, and it can happen everywhere.” ~ Primo Levi

From a post I wrote for @tspoetry after a visit to the @holocaustcenter.

https://www.tweetspeakpoetry.com/2016/07/27/regional-tour-holocaust-memorial-center-farmington-hills-michigan/
Stunning tree I parked near at Bible study yesterd Stunning tree I parked near at Bible study yesterday. I was in a rush and failed to snap the whole tree. I need to run back before the flowers fall. I think it’s a jacaranda? I want one.
Speaking of birds... bluejay in my backyard this a Speaking of birds... bluejay in my backyard this afternoon. I thought he was hurt, but I think he was just trying to cool off. (Maybe it's a young one.... unless it's the light?)
Someone should do something about that dog. She’ Someone should do something about that dog. She’s yelping and carrying on like she’s in some awful pain.
“Now in the place where he was crucified there w “Now in the place where he was crucified there was a new tomb in which no one had yet been laid.” ~ John 19:41

“But the angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay…’”~ Matthew 28:5-6

Many wonder if this tomb, which lies just a few yards west of Golgotha could be the place where Jesus lay and rose. I wish we could have lingered longer here in this garden and in the tomb itself. It was easier for me to imagine the events of that weekend happening here than in the heavily incensed, decorated, dark and crowded Church of the Holy Sepulchre… though my hairdresser said her old boyfriend “got chills”’when he entered that tomb. We did not go inside that one because the line was way too long. 

At any rate, the most important thing is that he tomb is EMPTY and HE IS RISEN!

HAPPY EASTER!
#Israel2022 #GardenTomb #Easter
 “Peter said to him, ‘Lord, I am ready to g 
“Peter said to him, ‘Lord, I am ready to go with you both to prison and to death’ Jesus said, ‘I tell you, Peter, the rooster will not crow this day until you deny three times that you know me.’” ~ Luke 22:33-34

The Church of St. Peter in Gallicantu (rooster crowing) built over what tradition says was the house of Caiaphas where Jesus was brought after he was arrested. Perhaps he was imprisoned in one of the underground crypts while awaiting trial. 

“On top of the church, higher than the cross—I loved this—stands a golden rooster! I’ll never look at a weathervane the same again. How would you like to have a church commemorate your weakest moment?” ~ Wayne Stiles in Walking in the Footsteps of Jesus

#Israel2022 #GoodFriday
The olive trees here are ancient… some carbon da The olive trees here are ancient… some carbon dates to the 12th century, according to my Eyewitness book on Jerusalem. “DNA tests have shown that eight of the trees grew from cuttings from the same mother tree—perhaps taken by Christians who believed the tree to have witnessed Jesus’s agony.” 

Gethsemane means “olive press.” Jesus was pressed to his very depths that night.  He knew what was ahead. He could have run far away. But he went where he knew Judas would look for him. 

“And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, ‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.’ And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” ~ Luke 22:41-44

Garden of Gethsemane and Church of the Nations

#Israel2022
A "blue preacher" right outside my door, nearly as A "blue preacher" right outside my door, nearly as tall as I am. I wonder what he's wondering. Is he finding the answer blowing in the wind?

"Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness." ~ Mary Oliver in "Why I Wake Early"
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Get the Mug

Embrace the life you have t s poetry mug

Privacy Policy

Full privacy policy is available HERE.

I Read Light

TSP-Red button

bibledude-net



Sponsor a Child

Join the Compassion Blogger Network

[footer_backtotop]

Copyright © 2022 Sandra Heska King · Site by The Willingham Enterprise, LLC on the Genesis Framework by StudioPress · Log in