Sandra Heska King

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I’m Just Not Into Christmas

December 21, 2011 By Sandra Heska King

I toss some change into the red kettle before I go through WalMart’s door.

The tree of a ringer man smiles broad. “God bless you, and Merry Christmas!”

“God bless you, too, and Merry Christmas,” I murmur.

But I wonder if my piddly coins can really make a difference.

I’ve come for a few groceries. I usually don’t get them here, but there was something I wanted. What was it? Oh yes, some Clorox dishcloths. So I only “eat one meal at a time.” So “yesterday’s meal isn’t still hanging out” on my dishes.

So I’ve combined trips.

In the name of simplicity.

While here, I wander the toy aisles. Pick up. Put down. Toss a big bag of primary-colored Mega Bloks into my cart.

I head for the card aisle and choose a couple sympathy cards.

I’m numb to the season this year.

I don’t know. I suppose part of it is grief.

And part is pure exhaustion.

It’s been a stress-filled year, both good and bad.

I. Am. Drained.

I see shoppers, carts full, brows furrowed.

A small boy pedals a tricycle fast and furious up and down and all around. I jump out of his way. Where are his people?

I hear a temper tantrum in progress over in sporting goods. I’m not sure if it’s a child or a mother.

Lines are long. Cashiers are in short supply.

A red-and-black-plaid-flannel-shirted man in jeans growls at his wife. “I told you to only get six of these candles. You got like a dozen.”

Everyone in line stares at him.

But I watch her face flush. She ducks her head, and words come quiet. “But they were on sale.”

I just want to go home and curl up in front of a decorated tree with a cup of hot tea and contemplate His coming.

Except I haven’t done that in years. Too busy to sit and breathe.

And I don’t have a decorated tree.

That was last year.

This year it’s Kohl’s. Four feet. White. On sale for $20 from $45.

(Maybe I’ll add a few small ornaments. Maybe not.)

And pine boughs slapped on a porch table.

 

But others have expectations.

They depend on me to deliver.

It’s not that I don’t want to create beauty and an aura of peace.

It’s not that I don’t want to give perfect (inexpensive, maybe fun) gifts that others appreciate.

I caught the tail end of Paula Deen’s Christmas show yesterday. She gave her husband a couple Santa ornaments. He gave her a trip to Paris. Now that’s my kind of gift giving.

Where one gives out of love without counting the cost.

And one receives in love without counting the cost.

I just don’t know that I can measure up to expectations any more.

Or that I even want to.

Anyway, there is only One who can deliver.

Delivered to deliver.

Not just from physical death.

But from ourselves.

From our own expectations and the expectations of others.

Whose expectations are simple.

Love me.

Love others.

And isn’t that what Christmas is all about anyway?

I’m just not into Christmas this year.

But maybe, just maybe, Christmas is getting into me.

Come, thou long expected Jesus,
born to set thy people free;
from our fears and sins release us,
let us find our rest in thee.
Israel’s strength and consolation,
hope of all the earth thou art;
dear desire of every nation,
joy of every longing heart.

Born thy people to deliver,
born a child and yet a King,
born to reign in us forever,
now thy gracious kingdom bring.
By thine own eternal spirit
rule in all our hearts alone;
by thine all sufficient merit,
raise us to thy glorious throne.
~Charles Wesley

Getting into Christmas with my cross-eyed friend, Jennifer, and community.

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Filed Under: stories and reflections

Comments

  1. Michelle DeRusha says

    December 21, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Praying for you during this hard Christmas, Sandy.

  2. Lyla Lindquist says

    December 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Maybe you and I could hang out for Christmas.

    For me, it’s always hard. This year is different. (And I don’t mean less hard.)

    Let’s grab the hot beverage, curl up in front of — oh, something — and contemplate his coming.

  3. Melinda Lancaster says

    December 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Oh how I can relate. For several years I’ve felt this way. This year it’s most intense.

    I’m sure that a part of it is grief, Snady. But even in our grief God is working.

    My love and prayers are with you, always. May God minister to you and renew your strength.

  4. terri tiffany says

    December 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I hear you. We have not really celebrated Christmas for the past five years and are alone again this year due to the recession and the losses that went with it. But you know what? Always, no matter how hard I tried to just get through the days,God shows up at that last minute and reminds me of the real reason for the season –letting me know it’s ok not to get excited about no tree, no gifts and no people around. It comes down to Him and always, He shows up:) Many blessings to you that you will be drawn even closer to him. I loved your final lines:)

  5. Renee says

    December 21, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    What an awesome post. I loved your honesty, and your faith. Why do we expect so much from anyone? Especially ourselves. Great post.
    I am praying for you.

  6. Sharon says

    December 21, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    I love you my friend. This touched me deeply…I have really struggled this Christmas season.

  7. Linda says

    December 21, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Oh Dear Heart, Please receive a huge hug, a shoulder to lean on and a listening heart. I am praying He will just be Christmas to you this year – a tangible sense of peace, comfort and love. It is enough for this time; He is enough. You just rest.
    Blessed Christmas Sandy.

  8. Sheila Lagrand says

    December 21, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    Sandy,
    Sit, and rest, and watch…and you’ll see Christmas come.

    Not ornaments and giftwrap and all those trappings, but Christmas. It will come.

    All you have to do is rest.

  9. Carol J. Garvin says

    December 21, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    I hear that word so often … “expectations” … and wonder why we let it get to us. You’ve already recognized the only thing that is truly important is God’s expectations. And He knows what you’ve been through this year, the heaviness of your heart and the exhaustion of mind and body. Some may not understand, but I think it’s reasonable to let all the other expectations go this year. They ought to understand. Go buy gift certificates for their favourite places — book stores, clothing stores, toy stores, music stores, or whatever. Pop them into envelopes and then sit in front of that tree with your tea and reflect on Him who is the best Gift this world will ever know.

    Allow yourself to be saturated with His blessings this Christmas, Sandra.

  10. Joanne Norton says

    December 21, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Lyla said almost exactly what I would have said… other than the fact that you don’t know me [in person]. You could just cuddle on a couch, have a special cup of tea or cocoa, look at lights, and let our Lord hold your hand and touch your heart.

    Bless you, dear friend.

  11. nance says

    December 21, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    i like that two people can give a God blessing to one another in front of wallmart.
    and i am glad that christ has a way of getting into us.

  12. diana says

    December 22, 2011 at 2:51 am

    Oh, yeah. I SO get this. And yes, you are grieving – at the very beginning of a long, arduous and oh-so-necessary journey. But most of all, you are so tired you can hardly see straight. Can you give yourself permission to let it all go, Sandy? Those expectations you put on yourself, the expectations others hold because of your long history of caring so very well for all of them? I am guessing that in giving up some of those long-held expectations this year, you may find yourself more free of them in future years. Praying for you as you wind your way through all of this strange new territory, my friend. May the One who created, redeemed, gifted and called you be very near, bringing comfort and rest. Merry Christmas, Sandy.

  13. Louise G says

    December 22, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Hugs and much love Sandra. Grief is a river. when we let its flow pull us along, we end up in the sea of Love that embraces us all. may you feel yourself flowing without fear, knowing you are supported in Love.

    Hugs and much love,

    Louise

  14. karen r evans says

    December 22, 2011 at 10:28 am

    The commercialness, yes, that’s my word, DOES get to me too. But our Lord came on just a time like this, I think. All were there getting a head count so I imagine much confusion and angst. And then there was Jesus. Just like you said. Thanks and have a blessed Christmas.

  15. Dea says

    December 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Sandy, you are diving into the depths of life with such grace. You have put one foot in front of the other in this journey and that is a beautiful thing–a gift of God, an expression of His glory in your life. When you sit with your tea in front of the tree, I pray you feel the nearness of the “With of God” holding you close. Someday…from the depths to the heights.

  16. laura says

    December 22, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    I think you need that cup of hot tea and that curl up close more than anything right now. Be gentle with yourself, dear heart. You’ve been through a difficult emptying. The rest of the world just doesn’t know. I’m adding my love to these others here.

  17. Megan Willome says

    December 22, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Yes, Sandy. Give yourself a break. Just don’t do anything. This is the one year people will excuse you.

    P.S. Your white tree is beautiful.

  18. Jennifer@GDWJ says

    December 27, 2011 at 11:09 am

    The way that Christmas is getting into you? Yeah. It shows. Your words carry a peace and a priority. I’d like to sit by you awhile.

    Sending you love today.

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“Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous to “Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous to be understood. . . Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment and bow their heads.” ~ Mary Oliver in “Mysteries, Yes”
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No way could anyone ever convince me that this world in all its beauty and creativity and mysteries is here by accident.
Food truck night with a newcomer—@crepstick. So Food truck night with a newcomer—@crepstick. So yummy! I hope they come back.  But maybe not too often or I’ll have to do double time on the exercise.
“Embrace this day knowing and showing the world “Embrace this day knowing and showing the world that your God is more than enough for you.”
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@tamiheim @tonibirdsong 
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My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the str My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion.” Psalm 73:26 (ESV)
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So yesterday I saw my cardiologist. It was the fir So yesterday I saw my cardiologist. It was the first time he wanted to see me in 6 months instead of a year. He said my aortic stenosis had gotten worse. Like on the cusp of moderate to severe. 😬

So the first thing he asks me is, "How's you daughter?" Wait. Isn't this supposed to be about ME?

Then he asks if I've had any symptoms. "Well, I don't know. Maybe. I felt a little dizzy out of the blue a couple times. And felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I wouldn't have paid any attention if I didn't know I was supposed to be watching for symptoms. I DID walk all over Israel and up a bunch of steep hills, even all the way up to the Golan Heights--against the wind--without anything but normal fatigue.

He laughs. "I created a monster." Ummm, yeah.

"Have you been exercising?" 

"Well, yeah. We walk a couple miles a day. I'm back on my Nordictrack Strider." I didn't tell him I'd been lifting some light weights and some very heavy boxes and other items during this renovation, though I was told in December not to.

So he listens to the beating of my heart. Then he says, "Well, I don't think the valve is ripe yet. I don't expect you to have symptoms for three or four years. You don't need to come back for a year."

Wait! So you ask if I have symptoms. But you don't expect symptoms--yet. And when I do have symptoms, someone is gonna do something. And then I'll be older and maybe weaker. Or what if I have some sudden and silent symptom and boom! And now I have to worry about that. 

(In other news, my oldest grand texts me the other day, and our conversation runs like this...
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If not, take a peek at @mlivenews .

My great-nephew, not quite 12, had just gotten home from school when the EF-3 came down the street and left its mark on every home. My niece frantically tried to find her way from work through debris and blocked roads. My sister was 30 miles away visiting my dad in rehab. I don't want to know how fast my brother-in-law drove. 

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We plan to fly up Thursday--already planned to celebrate my dad's 95th birthday. 

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From a post I wrote for @tspoetry after a visit to the @holocaustcenter.

https://www.tweetspeakpoetry.com/2016/07/27/regional-tour-holocaust-memorial-center-farmington-hills-michigan/
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A "blue preacher" right outside my door, nearly as A "blue preacher" right outside my door, nearly as tall as I am. I wonder what he's wondering. Is he finding the answer blowing in the wind?

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in happiness, in kindness." ~ Mary Oliver in "Why I Wake Early"
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