Sandra Heska King

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Fuel for the Weekend: Caring for Self

March 4, 2011 By Sandra Heska King

He pulls the stethoscope from his ears and thumbs through my chart.

“Have I ever told you that you have a heart murmur?”

“No,” I answer slowly, almost in the form of a question.

“Well, I hear one today. I’m going to have Sherry set you up for an echocardiogram. And it’s time for another bone density scan.”

I sigh. “I need a mammogram, too.”

I had blood work done before my visit, and he scans the results.

“Your TSH is still a bit elevated, but to put you on medication now could do more harm than good. Your cholesterol is good, but your lipids are still a little high. And your vitamin D is quite low.”

Yeah, I’m not surprised. It’s winter.

And I have been eating a lot of M&Ms.

Sigh.

Sherry manages to get all the tests set up on Friday morning.

The letter from the mammography department arrives first. I barely look at it. Every year the same.

No change. Repeat in a year.

I set the letter aside but then glance back and notice the words at the bottom:

“Category 3–probably benign finding. Short interval followup suggested.”

I call the doctor’s office, and Sue tells me they will put me in the tickler file (well, my name anyway) and that I need to have a mammogram repeated in six months. She tells me that they are using a new machine and that a lot of women are getting call-backs because some things (like my calcifications) are being seen more clearly.

I shrug it off.

I call the hospital and ask them to also forward a copy to my gynecologist whom I’m going to see in a couple of days. When I see her, she wags her finger at me and sternly tells me not to take it too lightly. Nor, she says, should I take my diverticular attacks lightly. Even without a fever.

Sigh.

The echo is kind of fun. I can see the heart chambers and the valves and the color flow with each heart throb. The tech and I talk about how I used to work in the operating room and how I always marveled at the miracle of seeing the heart beat strong again after being stilled in the surgeon’s hands.

“It’s the aortic valve that’s leaking,” she says.

I don’t know if she’s supposed to tell me that.

But I’m not surprised.

And a couple of days later, I get the call.

“You have a little bit of sclerosis and a moderate amount of aortic valve insufficiency.”

Actually, there’s more. This I know because I’ve already picked up copies of all my reports.

And so I get to see a cardiologist the end of this month.

The bone density results aren’t back yet. I guess we’ll address that and the vitamin D later. I already take bone medicine.

Sigh.

So how much of this is genetic or aging or simple lack of self-care?

Who knows?

But it’s a wake-up call that I can no longer always put everyone’s needs before my own.

Seriously.

But Parker Palmer says this, “Self-care is never a selfish act–it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others.” ~L.L. Barkat in God in the Yard, p. 97

If I don’t take care of myself, I risk dying early–or at the very least risk becoming so weak that I can’t carry out my gift.

I will have lost any opportunity to truly care for others. ~L.L. Barkat in God in the Yard, p. 97

And so I stop.

And drop.

Everything.

I pour a cup of green tea, head outside, and sit on the top porch step. I wrap my white robe around my bare legs and blend with white siding behind and snow in front.

I breathe in the damp cool air.

I watch and listen to the world melt.

I see the goldfinches snap at each other at the feeder. Juncos play tag in the stark branches. A sparrow lands on a branch just overhead. A downy woodpecker nearly grazes my forehead on its way to the hanging suet cake.

A mourning dove perches on a branch. Alone. I read that they mate for life, and that if you see one alone, its partner has probably died.

I don’t want to leave my partner alone.

And besides, I have a lot of things I want to do and see. I’m not that ready to see Jesus.

And so, with so much to do, I sit.

Just.

Sit.

And later I’ll hit the treadmill.

What will you do to care for yourself this weekend?

Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body. ~1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (Message)

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Filed Under: stories and reflections

Comments

  1. Melinda Lancaster says

    March 4, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    First of all, let me say, that after months of deliberating it appears I’m going to have to buy this book. I’ve tried to resist but can’t stand it much longer. 🙂

    I must admit, I’ve never been good at self-care. It always sounded “selfish” to me so I used a lot of Scriptures, taken out of context, to justify my position. Sigh.

    Funny how the need remains even when we try to silence it. (not funny as in ha, ha but ironic) In the past few months many physical red flags have surfaced in my life. They’ve caused me to rethink the entire subject. After reading this post, I’m grateful for God’s patience with me. Peering at it through another’s window I see how essential it is. Guess it’s time to get the Windex out and look through my window again with a clearer view.

    This quote by L.L. Barkat reinforces what God has been speaking to me in recent days. “Self-care is never a selfish act–it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others.” ~L.L. Barkat in God in the Yard, p. 97 Thank you for sharing it.

    I am beginning to believe that self-care is a form of stewardship. It has taken me months of seeking God to come to that understanding after years of failing to see the truth. Learning to do it, is a discipline just like all the other parts of my spiritual life. It’s a hard lesson for me but extremely valuable.

    You are such a gift and have so many gifts. It is my prayer that God will guide and direct those who are instrumental in your care…including you.

    Love & prayers!

    • Sandra says

      March 4, 2011 at 4:04 pm

      It’s a balance. All the time a balance. And we seem to think that anything with the word “self” in it is bad. Selfish, as you say. But it strikes me that when we neglect to feed the fire in our wood stove, it smolders for awhile, then cools off and dies. Feeding and caring for this temple in all dimensions keeps us more effective over the long haul.

      We are fearfully and wonderfully made. Magnificent creations. We should take care of this artwork like the valuable treasure it is.

      Thank you, and praying for you, too. LYI.

  2. Cassandra Frear says

    March 4, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    My heart aches.

    We should talk via email. We really should.

    Or how about a phone chat?

    • Sandra says

      March 5, 2011 at 11:02 am

      That’s one of the best ideas you’ve ever had! 🙂

  3. A Simple Country Girl says

    March 4, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Miss Sandra,

    I was going to say the same thing as Cassandra…

    And about those echos–because of my insulin-dependent diabetes, my son had countless echocardiograms, the majority of which were done while he was still in-utero. Indeed the science of medical care is amazing, but so is the capacity for our body to heal with what God has given us in the form of food and herbs. Both my son and I have personal experience and know it to be true.

    Thanks for stopping by. It really means a lot to me during all of this transition.

    Blessings.

    • Sandra says

      March 5, 2011 at 11:04 am

      Miss Darlene,

      I emailed you. And I’m holding out my mug for another cup of coffee–I mean, perhaps I should switch to the green tea.

  4. Robin Arnold says

    March 4, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    I had a self-care realization in December, my birthday month so began a series of appointments and labs and followups and more labs and more appointments which will no doubt lead to more. It seems catching up costs more than if I had done the timely things in a timely fashion. So, you are in my prayers and I’ll be sitting with you keeping you company.

    • Sandra says

      March 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

      We don’t always have tomorrow, but there are things we can do to make it more likely. 🙂 That procrastination part of me. I. Hate. It.

      I’ll keep company with you any day. Praying for you, too.

  5. Victoria Anderson says

    March 4, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    I love you. XOXOXO

    • Sandra says

      March 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

      Love. You. More.

  6. S. Etole says

    March 4, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    under the shadow of His wings … peace as you go through these different tests …

    • Sandra says

      March 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

      Can’t think of a better place to be.

  7. Carol J. Garvin says

    March 5, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    I like the KJV’s way of putting 1 Corinthians 6:19 reminding me, “What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?” Remembering that we are not our own puts a different perspective on caring for ourselves, doesn’t it?

    Medical and dental appointments throw me into panic attacks so I’m not good about getting regular checkups. Thankfully I’m blessed with good health, but I do look after myself, too. I pray your various caregivers will help you through the problems and into a healthier tomorrow.

    • Sandra says

      March 6, 2011 at 2:22 pm

      Thanks, Carol. I’m sure it’s all good. Just enough to remind me to take care of the temple.

      Go get a physical. 😉

  8. Lynn Mosher says

    March 5, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Praying for you, sweetie!

    • Sandra says

      March 6, 2011 at 2:23 pm

      It will be all fine, and I will see you in St. Louis. I hope. 🙂

  9. Susan J. Reinhardt says

    March 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Hi Sandra –

    Okay, okay! I’ll go to the dentist. Sigh. I hate going to the dentist. After last year’s crown and gum surgery, I’d prefer to avoid him.

    My grandfather lived to 99. He was shoveling snow, scaling ladders, and diving into swimming pools in his 90’s. I think his active, healthy lifestyle kept him free from a lot of the things that plague more sedentary people.

    Blessings,
    Susan 🙂

  10. L.L. Barkat says

    March 7, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I did a lot of tea self-care this weekend. 🙂 And retreat, at a little Inn in the middle of New York City, while I spent the rest of my time self-caring at IAM’s Encounter.

    And you know what? It’s amazing how many others got cared for in the process. 🙂

    Your post touches, and invites. Thanks for opening up the tender parts to us.

  11. Megan Willome says

    March 7, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    I wish I’d felt good enough to sit and enjoy the birds, but I’ve been slammed in bed. Guess God is telling me something, but I thought I was resting.

  12. Anne Lang Bundy says

    March 7, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Good for you to take care of yourself, Snady. And even better that you provide the reminder that taking care of ourselves it taking care of God’s sanctuary.

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I’m Sandra, a camera-toting, recovering doer who’s learning to be. still. Read more…

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“Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous to “Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous to be understood. . . Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment and bow their heads.” ~ Mary Oliver in “Mysteries, Yes”
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No way could anyone ever convince me that this world in all its beauty and creativity and mysteries is here by accident.
Food truck night with a newcomer—@crepstick. So Food truck night with a newcomer—@crepstick. So yummy! I hope they come back.  But maybe not too often or I’ll have to do double time on the exercise.
“Embrace this day knowing and showing the world “Embrace this day knowing and showing the world that your God is more than enough for you.”
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@tamiheim @tonibirdsong 
In @stickyJesus: How to Live Out Your Faith Online
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the str My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion.” Psalm 73:26 (ESV)
🌿
I’d almost forgotten what quiet mornings on the patio were like. (Quiet except for the birds and the sound of the neighbor’s AC.)
So yesterday I saw my cardiologist. It was the fir So yesterday I saw my cardiologist. It was the first time he wanted to see me in 6 months instead of a year. He said my aortic stenosis had gotten worse. Like on the cusp of moderate to severe. 😬

So the first thing he asks me is, "How's you daughter?" Wait. Isn't this supposed to be about ME?

Then he asks if I've had any symptoms. "Well, I don't know. Maybe. I felt a little dizzy out of the blue a couple times. And felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I wouldn't have paid any attention if I didn't know I was supposed to be watching for symptoms. I DID walk all over Israel and up a bunch of steep hills, even all the way up to the Golan Heights--against the wind--without anything but normal fatigue.

He laughs. "I created a monster." Ummm, yeah.

"Have you been exercising?" 

"Well, yeah. We walk a couple miles a day. I'm back on my Nordictrack Strider." I didn't tell him I'd been lifting some light weights and some very heavy boxes and other items during this renovation, though I was told in December not to.

So he listens to the beating of my heart. Then he says, "Well, I don't think the valve is ripe yet. I don't expect you to have symptoms for three or four years. You don't need to come back for a year."

Wait! So you ask if I have symptoms. But you don't expect symptoms--yet. And when I do have symptoms, someone is gonna do something. And then I'll be older and maybe weaker. Or what if I have some sudden and silent symptom and boom! And now I have to worry about that. 

(In other news, my oldest grand texts me the other day, and our conversation runs like this...
Last weekend we were in northern Michigan. And the Last weekend we were in northern Michigan. And there were lilacs. They even shook their heads over tornado-induced devastation. Look for the beauty and sweet scents in the midst of the mess. I miss the lilacs.
Yesterday’s morning view. We haven’t seen the Yesterday’s morning view. We haven’t seen the sun all day today.
When the folks in my hometown of Gaylord, Michigan When the folks in my hometown of Gaylord, Michigan ate their breakfast Friday morning, they had no idea what terror and devastation they'd face before dinner. Everyone has a story. You've probably seen pictures.

If not, take a peek at @mlivenews .

My great-nephew, not quite 12, had just gotten home from school when the EF-3 came down the street and left its mark on every home. My niece frantically tried to find her way from work through debris and blocked roads. My sister was 30 miles away visiting my dad in rehab. I don't want to know how fast my brother-in-law drove. 

The house and yard took a hit, worse than some, not as bad as others. A mobile home park was demolished--two deaths there. I heard one person is still missing. So many injured. So much awful. But the town is coming together for each other. Pray for them.

We plan to fly up Thursday--already planned to celebrate my dad's 95th birthday. 

Also, if anyone feels led to help, the Otsego Community Foundation and Otsego County United Way are accepting donations. Note “Tornado Relief.” Beware of any other fundraising requests.
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My shirt says “Walk in love. But I’m not feeling very loving. And if it WAS my Mom AKA Mother Mary Esther of the Order of Perpetual Birdwatchers, I’ll bet she’s having a good laugh. A passerby said she heard it was good luck and I should buy a lottery ticket tonight. In other news, I also banged my hip bone against our bed’s footboard and gave myself a mighty bruise. Then I burned my arm on the top of the grill. I did manage to wash all the knives without cutting myself and didn’t start any fires. So how was your day?
And now… “From the rising of the sun to the pl And now… “From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.”
The world’s a mess, but His mercies are new. The world’s a mess, but His mercies are new.
When we were in Israel last month, we visited @yad When we were in Israel last month, we visited @yadvashem - the World Holocaust Center in Jerusalem. There wasn't enough time to spend nearly enough time. 

The Valley of the Communities was very moving. It's a labyrinth of stone from which there seems no way out. Our guide said It gives an idea of the endlessness of the horror. His parents emigrated from Vilna (the Jerusalem of Lithuania), before the Holocaust. In 1935, thirteen of his family members still remained there. By 1945 only one--an uncle--had survived. He wrote a book about them from a bundle of old letters. "One story out of millions."

"This memorial commemorates the Jewish communities destroyed by Nazi Germany and its collaborators, and the few which suffered but survived in the shadow of the Holocaust."
#Israel2022 #HolocaustRemembranceDay
“From my favorite spot on the floor, I look up a “From my favorite spot on the floor, I look up at the blue sky and the bare chestnut tree on whose branches little raindrops shine, appearing like silver, ” Anne Frank wrote in the Diary of a Young Girl. Watching the tree change through the seasons her family spent in hiding in an attic gave her hope. The Holocaust Memorial Center is one of only eleven sites in the United States to receive a sapling from that tree. I stand at “her” window and imagine hanging hope on a tree.

"It happened, therefore it can happen again: this is the core of what we have to say. It can happen, and it can happen everywhere.” ~ Primo Levi

From a post I wrote for @tspoetry after a visit to the @holocaustcenter.

https://www.tweetspeakpoetry.com/2016/07/27/regional-tour-holocaust-memorial-center-farmington-hills-michigan/
Stunning tree I parked near at Bible study yesterd Stunning tree I parked near at Bible study yesterday. I was in a rush and failed to snap the whole tree. I need to run back before the flowers fall. I think it’s a jacaranda? I want one.
Speaking of birds... bluejay in my backyard this a Speaking of birds... bluejay in my backyard this afternoon. I thought he was hurt, but I think he was just trying to cool off. (Maybe it's a young one.... unless it's the light?)
Someone should do something about that dog. She’ Someone should do something about that dog. She’s yelping and carrying on like she’s in some awful pain.
“Now in the place where he was crucified there w “Now in the place where he was crucified there was a new tomb in which no one had yet been laid.” ~ John 19:41

“But the angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay…’”~ Matthew 28:5-6

Many wonder if this tomb, which lies just a few yards west of Golgotha could be the place where Jesus lay and rose. I wish we could have lingered longer here in this garden and in the tomb itself. It was easier for me to imagine the events of that weekend happening here than in the heavily incensed, decorated, dark and crowded Church of the Holy Sepulchre… though my hairdresser said her old boyfriend “got chills”’when he entered that tomb. We did not go inside that one because the line was way too long. 

At any rate, the most important thing is that he tomb is EMPTY and HE IS RISEN!

HAPPY EASTER!
#Israel2022 #GardenTomb #Easter
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The Church of St. Peter in Gallicantu (rooster crowing) built over what tradition says was the house of Caiaphas where Jesus was brought after he was arrested. Perhaps he was imprisoned in one of the underground crypts while awaiting trial. 

“On top of the church, higher than the cross—I loved this—stands a golden rooster! I’ll never look at a weathervane the same again. How would you like to have a church commemorate your weakest moment?” ~ Wayne Stiles in Walking in the Footsteps of Jesus

#Israel2022 #GoodFriday
The olive trees here are ancient… some carbon da The olive trees here are ancient… some carbon dates to the 12th century, according to my Eyewitness book on Jerusalem. “DNA tests have shown that eight of the trees grew from cuttings from the same mother tree—perhaps taken by Christians who believed the tree to have witnessed Jesus’s agony.” 

Gethsemane means “olive press.” Jesus was pressed to his very depths that night.  He knew what was ahead. He could have run far away. But he went where he knew Judas would look for him. 

“And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, ‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.’ And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” ~ Luke 22:41-44

Garden of Gethsemane and Church of the Nations

#Israel2022
A "blue preacher" right outside my door, nearly as A "blue preacher" right outside my door, nearly as tall as I am. I wonder what he's wondering. Is he finding the answer blowing in the wind?

"Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness." ~ Mary Oliver in "Why I Wake Early"
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