“But you’re a nurse,” he said.
But I don’t want to be a nurse when I need a nurse. Or when I want a nurse. Or when I want someone to say they are concerned and let’s go have this taken care of. When I want someone else to take control.
Sometimes I’m too tired to make the nursey decisions, especially when it comes to myself.
And I lost it.
I told myself I wouldn’t. I steeled myself not to.
But I’d been in pain all day and then the fever and headache came. And I’d been babysitting and struggling to remain sweet and patient.
I wanted someone to babysit me.
And I wanted him to say that he was concerned and that maybe we should go to the hospital.
And I wanted him to recognize my frustrations and fears. Fears of not going and of going. Because I knew going meant an ouchie shot and an IV and nasty medicine that would make me sick and a big bill. And waiting too long could have consequences. And frustrations over never knowing when the pain will strike and how inconvenient it is. And fear and frustration over the knowledge that I know surgery eventually looms, and there’s no time for that.
And he said he was going to bed. And I said fine. I was sleeping on the couch. And he said to wake him up if I needed to go to the ER, and I said if I needed to go to the ER I’d take myself, thank you very much. And I said a bunch of other stuff, too.
And I didn’t apologize.
I didn’t go to the ER, but the pain and fever continued all night. And I knew I should apologize this morning, but I didn’t feel like it.
And I never mentioned how I felt. I think I only just figured that out.
I think that’s the way it is sometimes. Emotions that we don’t even recognize churn below the surface until suddenly they bubble and foam and spill out like water from an overfilled potato pot.
A reminder to extend grace because I am so in need of grace.
I did go to the doctor this morning, and he did prescribe nasty medicine, but I talked him out of the real icky stuff. And he talked about a surgical consult. And I asked him about his grandson.
And tonight I need to apologize.
And tomorrow is a new day.