when it doesn’t feel like home and it’s time to give up
It’s Saturday. We sit on the edge of the soft chaise lounge upstairs in the room lined with guitars and guitar-type instruments. Grace balances a blond guitar on her lap. “This is just my size,” she says. She adjusts her fingers on the fretboard (don’t tell me if it’s not the right terminology.) She wraps her arm around the body of the guitar and assumes a strumming position. She sighs. “I wish I could take lessons.” I smile. “Remember the violin?” She nods sheepish. She was all excited about the dream of playing it but was overcome by lessons even though her teacher said she did have a gift. We were glad we only rented the instrument. Other folks mill around in the small room. One guy is seated on the...
Still Grappling with Grief
One year ago yesterday, my mother died. I’m angry. And sad. And grateful. I’m remembering, second-guessing every decision. Immediately after her fall and diagnosis of a brain tumor, she spent several weeks in a local nursing home. She was not safe for surgery at that point. After the biopsy, she transferred to rehab where they encouraged her and worked aggressively with her. At the first conference, each team member laid out goals for the next week. But then suddenly we were pressed for a transfer decision. They all knew something we didn’t. That the tumor was aggressively malignant. They stole the hope they’d lavished. We hadn’t even talked with the doctor yet. This morning I saw yet another ad for the Cancer Institutes of...
When Loss is Real–or Not
I’m better this morning. Last night I hid in the bathroom for a few moments where I flushed the toilet (so the husband and the grandgirl wouldn’t ask what was going on with me.) I blew my nose, popped my contacts, rubbed my eyes hard, and ran cold water over my face. I didn’t want to explain why I was overwhelmed over something on my computer other than this video. Maybe it’s because I’ll leave for Haiti in less than four weeks. (I might even get to meet Samedy. I hope not. I hope he’s in Nashville by then. Please pray.) Maybe it’s because I’m watching a fund fueled in record time–a fund that will build a school for hope–by Christmas. Or that I’m wearing a necklace purchased because of a...
Sunday Seasoned Sayings: This Wildly Extravagant Life-Gift
If death got the upper hand through one man’s wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides? ~Romans 5:17 (Message) Photo of a volunteer at Hiland Cottage arranging donated flowers that helped bring beauty throughout the...
The End of the Journey
We are at the bedside. It was the celestial weather report, wasn’t it, Mom? Here comes the snow, and off you go. We make the calls, send the texts, post the posts. When we return, they’ve bathed and dressed her in her favorite top, the one with the sparkle neckline. She wears her glasses, the ones she wore 24/7 so she didn’t miss a thing. And Doc rests on her heart. He’s the plush pillow pet I bought thinking he might help support her in the wheelchair. He was her constant companion–Doc H (for Hippo–or Hippocrates of “first do no harm” fame.) She renamed him recently to “Doc Do-Nothing.” He was in charge of her call button. I support her feet during the final transfer. Nurse Denise, the one I’ve...
Five Minute Friday ~ Grateful
GO! Grateful for this home away from home that will in so many ways be hard to leave. Grateful for staff who have become friends–no, family–who have kept watch and cared for her with such love and dignity. Grateful for tender hands and compassionate hearts. Grateful for Nick who has seen so many come and go and who has found a sweet spot in our hearts. Grateful for shrimpfests and pizza parties and spiked coffee and a grasshopper on a blue sponge stick. Grateful for Mother Mary Esther of the Order of Perpetual Birdwatchers. Grateful for CENA Jackie who drove 20 miles on the day after Thanksgiving, her day off, to see Mom because she was on her mind. Grateful for deer who “usually mean something”–but who she seems to keep sending...
Learning Christ
The glider recognizes me this morning. I’ve spent a lot of time in it over these last weeks. I pull it out to the middle of the room so I can see out over the bay. I pick up this book and page through it, pause to savor words. And my heart stops on this prayer. Learning Christ Teach me, my Lord, to be kind and gentle in all the events of life– in disappointments, in the thoughtlessness of others, in the insincerity of those I trusted, in the unfaithfulness of those on whom I relied. Let me put myself aside to think of the happiness of others, to hide my little pains and heartaches, so that I may be the only one to suffer from them. Teach me to profit by the suffering that comes across my path. Let me so use it that it may mellow me not harden nor...
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April 19-21, 2013 (past but not forgotten)
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