when you’re not comfortable

from my back

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom lately. I imagine I always will come fall. Because brain cancer came with the fall, discovered by a fall. We lost her two years ago this month, though some days it seems like yesterday. I’ve been revisiting the archives and the month we lived in the hospice […]

in which I can’t breathe

church

I can’t tear myself away from the Weather Channel. Away from the photos and videos of devastation and heartbreak. I can’t breathe for the weight on my chest and the ache in my heart. And I’m stunned by the power. Oklahoma. I’m writing and weeping over at BibleDude today. Won’t you tiptoe over and sit […]

sing a new song

new song

  Snow fell on Sunday. In May. On Mother’s Day. It frosted the tulips white. “My mother would not be happy today,” my sister posted on Facebook. “She wouldn’t even be amused.” And I doubt if even we could have made her crack a smile by bursting into song and dance, perhaps with a spring […]

I will give you rest

rest

  It rests between the large jars of cinnamon and parsley, peeks at me from behind the glass restaurant-style sugar dispenser. Sissy gave it to me, this duckie tea infuser. I take it out, hold it in my palm, stroke it. I squeeze my eyes tight and think back to that day in the dollar store […]

of passings, plans, and a new word

art after life

  I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed this morning. There’s a nuthatch on the branch outside the window–the window with the broad, cracked smile. The smile that D has sealed with transparent packing tape and dolloped with some whipped putty. The power line from pole to house corner sags and glistens in the sun, and […]

Crossing the Bridge

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  Mom’s illness caused her fall and ultimately her death. Her younger sister passed on before. I don’t know when. I don’t know why. Theirs was a shattered relationship. Sometime after Aunt Lucy died, my cousin sought to reconnect with my parents. That’s how it is sometimes, I think. When we lose, we ache to […]

Still Grappling with Grief

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  One year ago yesterday, my mother died. I’m angry. And sad. And grateful. I’m remembering, second-guessing every decision. Immediately after her fall and diagnosis of a brain tumor, she spent several weeks in a local nursing home. She was not safe for surgery at that point. After the biopsy, she transferred to rehab where […]

When Loss is Real–or Not

blessed is the man

I’m better this morning. Last night I hid in the bathroom for a few moments where I flushed the toilet (so the husband and the grandgirl wouldn’t ask what was going on with me.) I blew my nose, popped my contacts, rubbed my eyes hard, and ran cold water over my face. I didn’t want […]

When You’re Rooted in Grief

  “I don’t know why I’m so exhausted,” I text. “The weather,” she responds. I toss and turn and dream and wake up and doze and wake up. Energy wanes. We’ve eaten out more than in. I wonder–could the root be grief? Is that what’s gripped me in the gray of these cold days? Did […]